I'm the Great Touron King

“In the land of tourons, I am the Great Touron King.” These were the first of my very own words to make it to print. What follows is the rest of the column, a sort of Touron Manifesto, if you will. This is the common thread that I like to think that runs through all of my writings and all of my travels.


Travelin’ Light: The Land of Tourons
By Kelsey Timmerman

A touron is one part eager tourist and one part well-meaning moron. You yourself have likely been a touron at one time or another.

If you’ve ever…

…set out on a trip over 2 weeks long with 3 pair of underwear…

…thought visiting a nude beach would be a good idea…

…spent an entire flight with your knee jammed into the chair in front of you to keep a six year old from reclining…

… been to a Drag Show with your mother…

…been in a room full of people where You were the only one not staring at YOU…

…stepped out your front door and made a complete fool of yourself…

…you might be a Touron.

Faced with a deluge of new sites, smells, sounds, and behaviors, a tourist turns touron because of an enhanced curiosity and innocent unawareness. The farther behind we leave the familiar, the more touronic we become.

Read More >
Add a comment

The Touron Recording Studio

When I recorded a piece on playing soccer in Honduras for the World Vision Report radio program this past fall, I went to a “professional” recording studio. Now that I have some of my own equipment, I’ve been cut loose to record myself.

Easier said than done.

For the first time ever, a behind the scenes look at the Touron Recording Studio (oh, and if you aren’t sure what a Touron is GO HERE).

10 essential items for your home studio:
Recording Studio2
1. A tent and enough room to pitch it.

2. An autographed picture of Punky Brewster to hold the story you will be reading, and, of course, for, you know, inspiration. “Every time I turn around…” Gotta love Punky.

3. An…

Read More >

What sex is your text?

Paste some text into the Gender Genie and find out.

I did.

When it comes to writing it just doesn’t get any more manly than this opening paragraph from one of my columns…

The fer-de-lance is the most feared creature in the jungles of Honduras. One bite has enough venom to kill three to five men. There are five of us in the canoe. Six, counting the snake.

The Gender Genie gave it 75 hairy-chest beating man points to 0 female points. Basically, it makes Hemingway look like a ballerina.

But before I go and enter myself into a bullfight feast your eyes on this girly intro:

With a long, toothy smile #2 looks up at me as if to say, “Do it again.” The pilot whale, slightly larger than…

Read More >

Transitions Abroad

Transitions AbroadMy piece on volunteering at Casa Guatemala that appeared in the Nov/Dec issue of Transitions Abroad is now available online.

TA is a handsome glossy chalk-a-block full of content. I’m not just saying that. You can go page after page without running into an ad. Good for the reader, not so good for the writer – the pay ain’t great. Even so, I’m happy to be a part of this issue.

The issue is titled the Responsible Travel Issue, which almost makes me feel like I’m something greater than a culture trippin’ Touron. Almost.

Here’s a passage from the Editor’s letter:

Travel has the potential to bring much-needed economic benefits to developing countries and to foster cross-cultural awareness, dialogue, and understanding—all of which make for the…

Read More >

Icarus taught us nothing

The fall of IcarusWe’re human. We aren’t supposed to fly without the aid of big fuel guzzling engines. To think otherwise is thumbing your nose at the Gods. And few things piss the Gods off more than a good ol’ fashion nose-thumbing.

If you’re buddy is attacked by “wild eagles” while paragliding, it’s a bad omen. You probably should sacrifice something, fast, or think seriously about self-mutilation, before taking to the sky. If the omen is ignored and you are sucked up into the heavens by a “tornado-like thunderstorm,” battered by orange-sized hail, and coated in ice… well, you had it coming.

Yeah, this happened. Read the story.

Note: This has nothing to do with my trip or clothing,…

Read More >
1 comment

Travel Agents: Who needs 'em?

I do.

I used to be strictly a book online kinda guy. But then I had a personal emergency and had to get from Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua to Key West, Florida in less than two days.

Enter Super Agent Brenda from my hometown AAA branch.

Before I knew it, I was in Key West giving a eulogy.

Now I’m a loyal customer. I picked up the info for my e-ticket today and, to show their appreciation for my $1,200 worth of business, they gave me ONE DOLLAR off the renewal of my AAA membership. ONE DOLLAR!

Oh well, I guess that’s a buck more than I would have got from a website.

I write a column, Travelin’ Light, that has appeared in various papers here and there. From time to time I plan on posting old columns. I’ll even make a category for them: Kelsey’s column: Travelin’ Light.

I wrote about the tragedy that took me from Nicaragua to Key West in a TL column last year. Continue reading this post to view it.

Read More >
Add a comment

Hey baby, can I see your tag?

A few months ago I spent an evening inventorying my T-shirt collection by their MADE IN tags. Yes, my life is that exciting.

I’ve added the results of that evening’s work with my t-shirt survey. I’ve posted the results and made a link to it under the “Pages” category. Check it out – SURVEY RESULTS: Where are you wearing?

What’s cool about this process is that I was at the factory where many of the MADE IN HONDURAS shirts come from.

It’s a cool little pickup line:

“Hey baby, can I see your tag?” Imaginary suave Kelsey (ISK) says.

“Why yes,” imaginary buxom beauty (IBB) looks me up and down, “yes, you can.”

“MADE IN HONDURAS, eh? I’ve been there…” ISK goes into great detail of visiting the…

Read More >
Add a comment
Read More >
1 comment

I'm a Rogue Traveller

Bootsnall Travel Network has named me as one of their Rogue Travelers for 2007. It’s supposed to be a good thing, but consider the meaning of the word “rogue.”

rogue (rog) n.
1. An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.
2. One who is playfully mischievous; a scamp.
3. A wandering beggar; a vagrant.
4. A vicious and solitary animal, especially an elephant that has separated itself from its herd.
5. An organism, especially a plant, that shows an undesirable variation from a standard.

So, I’m an undesirable plant, a vicious elephant, a vagrant, a scamp, or a rascal. I like to think I’m somewhere in the middle between 2 and 3.

Bootsnall is sponsoring me. What does that mean? Well, they’re not really paying for anything expensive like airfare…

Read More >
Add a comment