A note to the officer who handed me a $215 speeding ticket

I forgive you.

I forgive you for being a jackass.

Sure, “jackass” might be harsh, but how else do you explain a cop that lies in wait on I-80 just beyond the point where the speed limit changes from 70 to 45 before a toll area and pulls over a dog-loving writer on his way to give a free talk at a library?

You broke a law too you know? It was still dark and when you followed me into the toll, you didn’t even have your headlights on.

It was dark, but I could see you. Don’t go thinking that you were “tailing” me or something. I’m sure that day-after-day of picking off motorists who are searching for change to pay the toll and don’t decelerate fast enough gets old. Shooting fish in a barrel is easy, but it’s boring, and, at a certain point soulless. So to combat the boredom you create a little fantasy world in which you’re a hard-nosed detective that dishes out justice instead of a pimple-bottomed car jockey that hands out outrageously expensive speeding tickets.


Why did you have to ask if I knew how fast I was going? How do you expect me to pay attention to something as meaningless as speed when I was listening to a book on tape in which Edgar Sawtelle just had one of his puppies die?

A puppy died! A puppy! Do you hate puppies? Do you have no heart beneath that poofy bulletproof chest of yours?

Did you know that a few miles down the road in Ohio the speed limit is 65 mph and the area before the toll is 55 mph? That seems like a reasonable request: “Please slow down 10 mph while entering the toll area.” But you and your state of Indiana (I might live there but I was born in Ohio) demand that motorists slow down 25 mph. How rude! Sure, you have the 45 mph signs posted with flags flying from them and you have a warning to slow down, but what about the puppies?

I just went to the bank. Don’t worry; a certified check, which cost me $5, is on its way to the Podunk Town of Fremont, Indiana.

I just Googled you. In 2006 you were 5’10” weighed 180 lbs. You played running back for Tri-State University and we’re majoring in Criminal Justice. I’m not a criminal and this doesn’t feel like Justice.

The more I read about you the harder it is to dislike you. Your Facebook profile is a photo of you and your lady at a Purdue football game. You look happy.

You know what? I’m going to friend you on Facebook. Once you get to know me, you’ll feel bad about the ticket, the puppies, the $215, and the library.

I think we’re going to be great friends. I can’t wait to hear stories about all of the jackasses you pull over.


Kelsey Timmerman

Dan says:

This is the funniest blog post I have read in a long time.

It also proves “Facebook Stalking” is real and justified.

Kelsey says:

I just sent him a note telling him who I was followed by a Friend request. There’s nothing illegal about that is there? Will I be banned from Steuben county, Indiana? Could I be that lucky?

I’ll let you know.

Carmen says:

My husband was recently pulled over in Indiana and received a ticket for a seat belt violation in his grain truck. It can be frustrating! Enjoyed your letter.

Melissa says:

I can’t believe (OK, maybe) that you Googled and FB friended him! Awesome! You’ll have to update us if you hear from him, ha ha.

Good post, even if off your usual topics.

Toby says:

Haha! …and now you are best friends! And Kelsey and the Police Officer lived happily ever after in their treehouse.

Justin says:

Kelsey great post….stalker.

Larry says:

This is hilarious. The great thing is, you WILL be friends with him at some point — all a part of that Touron charm. Well, that and maybe Annie’s delicious chicken enchilladas. Wow, did I really at all of that? But back to the post — i wish I were technically capable of photoshopping your face on to Cruella Devil’s body in 101 Dalmations while she is screaming “the puppies!!”

Matt Barhorst says:

Did the prick accept your Friend request? I hate Purdue fans.

Kelsey says:

The dude never friended me back. I’m so dejected.

Toby, there’s plenty of room in my treehouse. You should visit some time.

Larry, You now hold the enchilada record. Congrats! I think I can run 26 miles easier than eating 4 enchiladas!

Dan & Justin, you’ve both aided and abetted my stalking. If I go down, I’m taking you two with me.

Kelsey, you’re hilarous. 🙂

Deb Hildreth says:

Only in Ohio (?) … I used to live there.

Sonny Johl says:

Totally awesome. I’ve thought about friending the officers that have pulled me over before, but I’ve never gone through with it!

Katrina says:

You should have shared the story about the puppy and then speed off shouting “you can’t catch me” out the window 😛

Let your voice be heard!