Jan
20

Zombies Stop Healthcare Reform

By Kelsey

I couldn’t have written “Where Am I Wearing?” today.

First, lenders aren’t exactly handing out second mortgages any more and I used mine to partly fund my global quest.

Second, our health care costs have skyrocketed.

In 2009 we were on four different health insurance plans the first four months of the year. Starting January 1st, 2009, Annie’s coverage at work became way too expensive. Still we had to bare the expense until Harper was born because…

Health Insurance is Killing us Reason #1: You can’t get coverage if you’re pregnant.

Health Insurance is Killing us Reason #2: Small businesses can’t afford to offer insurance because of the high cost.  Yet employees can’t afford to have a job that doesn’t offer them health insurance.  And if you aren’t employed…well…you’re just screwed.

Anyone know of any insurance carriers that are hiring?

I’ve been on my own plan for a few years.  After Harper was born Annie and Harper joined me.  We had a decent deductible and a low premium, but there was one problem. My Anthem insurance was in the state of Ohio and we lived in Indiana.  It would’ve been nice if our insurance salesman had noted this at the time…

Health Insurance is Killing us Reason #3: (Apparently) It’s much more dangerous to live in Indiana than in Ohio.  Why? Maybe it’s the zombies. That makes as much sense as any other reason, doesn’t it?

The exact same coverage through the exact same company was going to cost twice as much in Indiana. Indiana’s state motto: “the crossroads of America (and centrally located for zombie conventions).” Perhaps another reason for the proliferation of zombies in Indiana is that health insurance is more expensive and that means more dead people and, of course, that means more zombies.

We couldn’t afford the same coverage in Indiana so we bought into lower coverage with a premium that was still more than we were paying for the better plan in Ohio.

Now a good chunk of our income goes to health insurance, and yet when we’re sick we’re less likely to go to the doctor because we have to pay 100% of the cost.  Our deductible is set at the Struck-by-Lightning level.  By this I mean that the only way we’ll meet our deductible is if we are struck by lightning or incur some other major health problem.

It almost makes a fella wish he was struck by lightning so he could lay in bed all smoking and charred and for once be thankful that he shelled out so much for insurance.

Something needs done. If we continue to do nothing, the costs will continue to rise, more and more employers won’t offer insurance, and those of us who pay for our own will see our healthcare costs top/topple our mortgages.  Is the Senate plan the answer? I don’t know, but trying to step out of the way of a freight train is a lot smarter than standing there and taking it in the kisser.

Yes, I think it’s stupid that whether or not health insurance reform is passed comes down to a runoff for a Senate seat in Massachusetts, and that the hopes of the reform were shattered by a candidate that couldn’t spell the name of the state she sought to represent, and that one of the major reasons she wasn’t elected is because she thought that Curt “bloody Red sock” Schilling was a Yankees fan, and that anyone with a bloody sock in Massachusetts doesn’t have to fret much because they have universal health coverage, and yet these universal-healthcare-havers are denying the rest of the country the same privilege.

I don’t care about the politics of the situation.  I care that mothers and fathers can afford to take their kids to the doctor. I care that sons and daughters have healthy mothers and fathers that live long enough to become great-grandparents.

And what I’m really getting at is that the zombie lobby needs to be stopped before there isn’t a politician left with even half a brain.  Of course the Congress’ insurance probably covers zombie attacks.

UPDATE: Apparently some zombies are for reform

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Dec
12

Amen!

By Kelsey

A lawyer/dinner guest made the mistake of asking teacher, Taylor Mali, what he made. Awesomeness ensued.

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Nov
20

UnderEase anti-flatulence underwear

By Kelsey

As one of the top 10 living underwear journalists in Indiana, I’m always on the lookout for new under-the-radar underwear stories.  And unlike those lazy underwear journalists who’ve built their careers on reviewing low-tech undies that don’t serve a larger social function or are pleasant to wear, I go the extra mile.

There’s no pair of underwear I won’t test drive.

I wish that my career path would’ve worked out better.  Say, that I became a traveling journalist who went places and wrote about it like this guy.  Instead I put underwear through a series of proprietary tests, including “the jumping jack,” “the barn door,” “the wedgie,” and “the marathon.”

That’s right “the marathon.” Some thought I ran the NYC marathon to help fight cancer and to check off “run a marathon” from my bucket list, but it was also to test a new pair of underwear.

Is there a Peebody award for underwear journalism?   How about a Pewlitzer?

Thanks to UnderEase anti-flatulence underwear, I’m going to have to add to my barrage of tests.

It looks as if the UnderEase folks have already tried the “Dutch Oven,” although I’m not sure about the results.

The picture on the UnderEase homepage shows a retiree sitting up in bed reading the Urantia Book, which is described on Amazon.com as:

a “revelation from celestial beings. The writers refer to Earth as “Urantia” and state their intent to “present enlarged concepts and advanced truth” as a pathway to expanded cosmic consciousness and enhanced spiritual perception.”

I challenge you to find a more enlarged concept and advanced truth than uni-sex, anti-flatulence underwear.

So anyhow, the guy is sitting up in bed reading about our celestial overlords who apparently invented and funded UnderEase and his wife is lying beside him, her nose just above the covers near the man’s elbow.  Her eyes are shut.  That’s where the picture fails as a marketing tool.  You can’t tell if she’s protected from her husband’s Silent But Deadly (SBD) farts or if she has in fact passed out.

Do they work or not?!?!

The question is killing me.

Which pair should I order to test drive?

My options:

1: The uni-sex GasEaters with the non-replaceable filter

2: The original UnderEase with a new thinner replaceable thinner.

3: The 2G (2nd generation) UnderEase made from “Fabuthane Laminated Polyester fabric with a breathable film allowing the transport of heat and moisture from the inside to the outside of Under-Ease by the process of diffusion.* Fabuthane can also act as a barrier to bacteria and viruses. (*Diffusion is the net transport of molecules from an area of higher concentration to one of lower concentration.)”

For those who still aren’t sure what diffusion is from the helpful asterisk, the process also is referred to as “he who smelt it dealt it.”

The pair with the most votes by the end of the weekend will be the pair I buy and try.

To me each pair looks the same: a garbage bag trimmed to the size and shape of underwear with a maxi-pad taped to the butt.  If they’re airtight, I wonder if they’ll fill up with air as the day progresses (if you know what I mean). If so, there could be the danger of over-inflation and a not-so silent, but oh so deadly blow out.

There’s only one way to find out!

Until then, I’ll be busy thinking about how to test them. Right now I’m leaning toward a McDonald’s burrito breakfast, and  a Pizza Hut lunch, and topped off with dinner at Colonial Ciudad (Mexican food), followed by an evening of crowded elevator-riding.  Of course, I’m always open to other suggestions.

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Oct
27

A note to the officer who handed me a $215 speeding ticket

By Kelsey

I forgive you.

I forgive you for being a jackass.

Sure, “jackass” might be harsh, but how else do you explain a cop that lies in wait on I-80 just beyond the point where the speed limit changes from 70 to 45 before a toll area and pulls over a dog-loving writer on his way to give a free talk at a library?

You broke a law too you know? It was still dark and when you followed me into the toll, you didn’t even have your headlights on.

It was dark, but I could see you. Don’t go thinking that you were “tailing” me or something. I’m sure that day-after-day of picking off motorists who are searching for change to pay the toll and don’t decelerate fast enough gets old. Shooting fish in a barrel is easy, but it’s boring, and, at a certain point soulless. So to combat the boredom you create a little fantasy world in which you’re a hard-nosed detective that dishes out justice instead of a pimple-bottomed car jockey that hands out outrageously expensive speeding tickets.

$215!

Why did you have to ask if I knew how fast I was going? How do you expect me to pay attention to something as meaningless as speed when I was listening to a book on tape in which Edgar Sawtelle just had one of his puppies die?

A puppy died! A puppy! Do you hate puppies? Do you have no heart beneath that poofy bulletproof chest of yours?

Did you know that a few miles down the road in Ohio the speed limit is 65 mph and the area before the toll is 55 mph? That seems like a reasonable request: “Please slow down 10 mph while entering the toll area.” But you and your state of Indiana (I might live there but I was born in Ohio) demand that motorists slow down 25 mph. How rude! Sure, you have the 45 mph signs posted with flags flying from them and you have a warning to slow down, but what about the puppies?

I just went to the bank. Don’t worry; a certified check, which cost me $5, is on its way to the Podunk Town of Fremont, Indiana.

I just Googled you. In 2006 you were 5’10” weighed 180 lbs. You played running back for Tri-State University and we’re majoring in Criminal Justice. I’m not a criminal and this doesn’t feel like Justice.

The more I read about you the harder it is to dislike you. Your Facebook profile is a photo of you and your lady at a Purdue football game. You look happy.

You know what? I’m going to friend you on Facebook. Once you get to know me, you’ll feel bad about the ticket, the puppies, the $215, and the library.

I think we’re going to be great friends. I can’t wait to hear stories about all of the jackasses you pull over.

Sincerely,

Kelsey Timmerman

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Oct
17

Thoughts on the balloon boy

By Kelsey

Update: As if this story wasn’t sick enough already.  The boy was on the Today Show with his family and started puking all over the place at 5:50.  I’m not sure this story could be summed up any better than puking on national television.  I hope he got some on the cameras.  Meredith ignored the whole thing too.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

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Sep
28

“Missing their son” on the World Vision Report

By Kelsey

KT_LinXin

My latest contribution to the World Vision Report aired this weekend.  It’s about my experience with the workers who made my flip-flops.  Here’s the official description:

Many people from rural China have migrated to cities in the country’s coastal provinces, in search of steady jobs. Travel writer Kelsey Timmerman met one such couple in the city of Guangzhou. Three years ago, they left their son with his grandparents, and haven’t seen him since.

Give it a listen

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Sep
16

Give me libraries! A call to action

By Kelsey

I thought I was a pretty cool little boy growing up.

I was tough. I jumped off the high dive at the pool when I was five.

I could take a hit. I beat up a girl on the bus. This might sound lame until I tell you that the girl was in third grade and I was in second and everybody knows that a third grade girl is like double the size of a second grade boy.

I learned to cuss at an early age, which of course strikes fear into the hearts of sissies and forces adults to suppress laughter and feign disappointment.

At the YMCA’s arcade, to the kid playing Frogger, my Frogger: “Get off my Mother-f*&cking game.”

He did and then I, without any quarters, proceeded to pretend to control the frog.

I drank. If you were over at my house playing cards with my parents and set your beer down and looked the other way, when you looked back I would be chugging it.

We could debate whether or not these things made me cool, but there is one thing for sure that didn’t…

I played library.

That’s right, library. My brother and I organized our bookshelves of Sesame Street, Disney, and Golden Books and then we checked them out to one another after reading them. We had some of my Mom’s books too. We lumped the V.C. Andrews together. The coolest cover was The Sword of Shannara. And the book that I most wanted to be seen reading was The Stone and the Flute because it was 864 pages long.

Late fees were noogies.

I’m not ashamed that we played library. The library in Union City, Indiana, was one of my favorite places. We’d go in with nothing, pay nothing, and walk out with armfuls of books. The smells were free too, and they were wondrous.

When we got home, I grabbed the books and snaked my way through the adjacent field of corn to where our clubhouse sat in a grove of trees. I would toss the books onto the elevated porch and then climb the ladder, unfold my mini lawn chair, and begin to read.

From my perch above the corn I traveled around the world and to different times and realities, only to be interrupted by a passing groundhog or my mom.

Mom would come out with a freshly made PB&J and glass of milk. She could’ve just handed the sandwich to me, but instead she went to the back of the clubhouse and hollered for me to open the window – the clubhouse’s only one. I’d slide it to the side and lower a bucket with a ski rope tied to the handle. By the time I had hoisted it up, the glass of milk would be sitting on the front porch and Mom would be gone unless I invited her up.

And then it was back to my library books.

We lived in corn and bean and tomato country. The fields rotated as the years passed. In our rural neck of the woods there weren’t a lot of places to get your hands on books. There were no bookstores within an hour’s drive, in fact there still isn’t, unless you count Wal-Mart. The drugstore only carried massmarket paperbacks and comic books which explained the V.C. Andrews in our library and my brother’s banker boxes overflowing with Spiderman and Batman.

Without the Union City library, I’m not sure where we would have found books. Even if there would have been a bookstore nearby, our parents couldn’t have afforded to quench our appetite for reading. They owned a small business in which they reinvested most of their earnings. And we read a lot of books, thousands of dollars worth.

It was the books from the library that made me curious about the world and its people. They likely planted the seed for my love of travel and writing. Without them I might not have become a writer. I might not have written Where Am I Wearing?.

It was the books from the library that inspired hours of play in imaginary worlds in which my brother Kyle would often be some sort of alchemist, mixing magic potions and giving them to me to try. The potions were mainly water, but also grass and food coloring and dad’s cologne. Today Kyle has his PhD and experiments on other people.

Without our libraries, what would we be?

This week the Free Libraries of Philadelphia announced they will close after over a century. The library survived world wars and the great depression, but they can’t survive now?!?

As an author, this scares me. Library purchases account for a good portion of first-print runs. (via EditorialAss) Without them it would be tough for publishers to risk publishing first-time authors and those who don’t have big name recognition.

Plus, where is an author supposed to do his research, if not the library? It’s tough enough making a living as an author. If you had to buy every book you used in your research it would be even tougher.

And what would the world be without librarians? I once requested an article by Isaac Asimov that ran in a 1973 Penthouse. A few weeks later I had a copy of the article. (People actually do just read the articles, you know?) If not for the librarian, I would have had to ask your pervy uncle — the one with the penchant for hippie-age hygiene and grooming – to tap into his Penthouse archive. Yuck!

As a reader and thinker and believer that knowledge shouldn’t only be accessible to those who can afford it, a community or city or world without libraries terrifies me.

I was in downtown Muncie, my hometown, a few weeks ago and stumbled into the library. Budget cuts turned it into an archive of Indiana history. A big beautiful archive with a domed ceiling that no one visits and nothing can be checked out. You can walk to the old library; you don’t need a car. There are crosswalks and sidewalks. The same can’t be said for the other city libraries. You have to drive to them or take a bus and then brave streets that aren’t pedestrian friendly. There were five libraries in Muncie, now there are three counting the archive.

The Union City library hasn’t changed much either other than Mrs. Miller, the tiny librarian with the great Story Time voice, has retired. The technology is the same. I recently did a reading there and I had to bring my own projector to show my presentation. The pull down screen that hangs over the door wouldn’t stay down and we had to attach it to a chair with a plastic coat hanger. It came undone and flew up and crashed with bang. It was funny and the audience laughed (see the video below). But you know, it was really sad.

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I know that times are tough for all levels of government, but cutting funds to the libraries are the last thing we should do. Roads full of potholes don’t make us dumber; they don’t jeopardize the future of our children, our cities, our country.

Give me potholes! Give me libraries! (Unfortunately in Muncie, we have a growing number of the former and decreasing number of the latter.)

Raise our taxes, fine! Give me libraries!

Cancel the city fireworks! Give me libraries!

Keep your deputy assistant junior mayor in training! Give me librarians!

Give me libraries or give me dearth!

Libraries have given me so much over the years. This year alone I’ve probably checked out 60 books and only paid 40-cents when I turned in a book a few days late. Now I plan to give back and I hope that you’ll join me.

Today I’m writing a check to my local library in Muncie for $10.83. The library system expects a budget cut in the near future of $1.3 million. $10.83 represents the amount every resident of Muncie would have to pay to make up the difference. I’ll also include a letter (probably this post) of what libraries mean to me.

I hope that you’ll join me.

When you do, leave a comment in this post and include your library’s address. I’ll send them a note of support and $1.

If we do nothing, “playing library” might be the closest our children ever get to checking out a book. And that would be really uncool.

(Further Reading: New York Times piece on Ray Bradbuy’s fight for his local library. “I don’t believe in colleges and universities,” Bradbury said. “I believe in libraries.”)

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Sep
7

Happy (craptastic) Labor Day!

By Kelsey

What a craptastic day to be a worker. The rest of the world celebrates Labor Day May 1st, but like football and our refusal of the metric system, we like to do things different (If you’re curious why, here’s last year’s Labor Day post).

Unemployment is pushing double digits in the U.S. And here are a few more depressing stats from the wounded U.S. economy (via the Economic Institute ):

• New jobs needed per month to keep up with population growth: 127,000

• Jobs lost in August 2009: 216,000

• Jobs needed to regain pre-recession unemployment levels: 9.4 million

• Underemployment rate: 16.8%; Share of workers un- or underemployed: roughly 1 in 6

• Unemployment rate, young college graduates: 5.9% (2nd worst on record)

• Ratio of average CEO’s pay to typical worker’s pay in 1979: 27 to 1; Ratio in 2007: 275 to 1

The New York Times has a slideshow of the unemployed who aren’t counted in the above stats because they’ve stopped looking for work; essentially they’ve give up.

Dayton, Ohio, poor, poor Dayton, the place I referred to as “the city” growing up in rural Ohio, lost many factories in the past year including a GM assembly plant. This morning I heard about a new documentary (via NPR) airing on HBO tonight – “The Last Truck.” Here’s the trailer:

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You should give the NPR interview a listen. The workers talk about the last truck on the line and how when they had finished installing their widget or sprocket they just followed the truck down the line. By the time the truck got to the end, everyone that had a hand in making it was there. Crying. Unemployed. Scared.

What’s really scary is that a whole “Goodbye GM plant” video genre has popped up on YouTube. Here’s one set to Boyz2Men’s “So Hard to Say Goodbye” and here’s another one from Oshawa, Canada, set to porn music  .

And because out of work Americans are keeping their billfolds in the pockets of their pants, the workers who make the pants aren’t faring well either.

Children are going back to work in Cambodia. (via Phnom Penh Post):

Speaking at the launch of a national workshop investigating the impact of the global economic crisis on child labour, (Bill) Salter (Director of ILOs subregional office in East Asia) said the ongoing decline in garment exports would have a profound impact. Garment industry analysts suggest that more than 70,000 workers have been laid off since the crisis began, Salter said. At least 100,000 more jobs are expected to come under threat over the next two years.

As family incomes continue to dwindle, more parents will resort to sending their children to work in order to earn enough money for food and other basic necessities – to the detriment of the children’s health, nutrition and intellectual development, he warned.

Much of the world is experiencing decline in exports. A look at Nepal’s garment exports (via My Republica):

nepalgarmentexports

We work for food, for clothing, for respect, for our children’s education, for pride, for love and money, iPhones and TVs, for ourselves and others, for richer and poorer, until death or pink slip or factory closure do we depart.

In the West, we are more than our jobs. We are more than titles. At a time when our jobs are letting us down, it’s important that we don’t let ourselves down. This Great Recession is a time for us to strengthen our relationships with one another, to remember that we should measure life not in hours or dollars, but in smiles and laughs. I’m an author but more importantly I’m Annie’s husband, Harper’s dad, Lynne and Ken’s son, Kyle’s Brother, Jared and Cale’s uncle, and so on.

For those in the developed world, losing a job may mean a lifestyle change, but in places like Bangladesh, Nepal, and Cambodia making a living quite literally means sustaining life. There are few social safety nets, if any. Without a job you might not have the ability to feed your child, to care for your ailing parents, to keep illness, disease, and death at bay.

On this Labor Day, let’s work to reflect less on the labor and more on the laborer. Because as much as we need jobs, we need each other much more.

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Aug
24

Another reason I wish I had HBO

By Kelsey

I heard about the documentary “Which way is home?” on NPR this morning. It follows kids leaving their homes in Central America and sneaking across borders on their way to the United States. Just another reminder of the desperation that exists in our world and the risks people will take to overcome it.

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Aug
6

Daily Show names Bill Clinton as the Most Interesting Man in the World

By Kelsey

Bill Clinton has got it.  And by it, of course I mean the Most Interesting Man in the World Syndrome.

Jon Stewart on the Daily Show:

The man hopped on a plane to North Korea, freed a couple of ladies, and got back in time to watch the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance!  You know who he is…

He’s The Most Interesting Man in the World

Bill Clinton is the Most Interesting Man in the World

And here’s the whole segment:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
William Jefferson Airplane
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance
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All Rights Reserved.
Contact Kelsey hi@kelseytimmerman.com

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