Mad World | Kelsey Timmerman

Are small towns killing themselves?

By Kelsey

Quiet streets. Rush hour means three cars deep at a red light. My grandmother knows your grandmother. Going to the grocery and seeing 20 people you know.

This is life in a small town.

It’s often over-romanticized. But the small town life is still what I prefer. To me, Muncie, where I live now, is a big city. It’s not big enough to have bad traffic other than at all-you-can-eat buffets, but anywhere with a multi-screened movie theater and a mall is a big city in my book.

One of the small towns that I’ve called home over the years is Greenville, Ohio. It’s where we went for groceries, swim classes, the dentist, and – up until last year – where my day job was.

But small towns are often small towns for a reason: there aren’t many opportunities in small towns. Such is the case with Greenville. A lot of my friends from high school don’t live anywhere near where we grew up.

Greenville is the county seat of Darke County. In Darke County only 33% of households have kids under the age of 18, which is far below the national average of 46%. What does this mean?

It means that I can’t remember the last time a school levy of any significance passed in the county. The attitude seems to be, “My taxes put my kids through school, by God am I going to pay more in taxes to put other people’s kids through school!”

And that attitude just defeated a $2.9 million bond issue that would’ve secured $19 million in state-funding to build a new school.

From the Daily Advocate:
Darke County Board of Election officials released the unofficial ballot votes of 2698 for (49.27 percent) and 2778 against (50.73 percent)

There are still 136 provisional ballots out there, but it’s doubtful the outcome will change.

The Greenville schools can kiss $19 million and a shiny new school that might attract employers goodbye. The cost is a little over $100/year per $100,000 of home value. I’m not for throwing away money myself, but chances are a new school would increase your home’s value more than the tax would cost in the long run.

Does Greenville need a new school? One day Last year school was canceled when parts of the middle school actually started to fall off. An elementary school running out of room (because of consolidations not enrollment increases) had to bring in trailers (aka mobile classrooms). If you’re being taught in something that can be pulled down the road by a semi-truck, you have to question what kind of education you are getting.

I heard about a business that was thinking about moving into the area and when they saw the lack of support for the schools, they decided to go elsewhere. Another business in the county has a satellite office in Dayton for their engineers because no one wants to live in Darke County.

No one wants to live there except the people that already do. And the people that already do have kids that move away and never come back. The number of households with children in school continues to decrease and the community continues to age and die.

Small towns want to hang onto their small-towness, but they vote down a thing that could help preserve their lifestyle and assure a future for their kids and grand-kids.

It’s easy to be nostalgic about small towns. It’s not easy to be nostalgic about ignorance.

Small towns like Greenville are killing themselves, and it’s tough to feel sorry for them.

Mad World

Adventures in Spam: Dead Dad = Win

By Kelsey

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an “Adventures in Spam” piece. Here’s my last one. Anyhow, I received the following email below and thought I would take a break from writing for a few minutes to respond.

My Dear,

It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confidence to succeed sometimes in life. There is this huge amount of Seven million Five Hundred Thousands U.S dollars ($7.500.000.00) which my late Father kept with a Fiduciary Fund Holder in Abidjan before his death.

Now, I have decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I want you to assist me claim and retrieve this fund from the Fiduciary Fund Holders and transfer it into your personal account in your country for investment purposes on these areas:

1). Telecommunication
2). the transport industry
3). Five star hotel

If you can be of any assistance to me I will be pleased to offer to you 20% of the total fund. I await your soonest response.

Respectfully yours,

Ms. Julien Kowan

MY RESPONSE

Bummer! Sorry to hear about your Dad.

That said…

The timing of your email is great! I lost my job and have to scavenge for food for my family. If I have to eat one more raccoon, I’ll barf. My daughter has taken a liking to blended earth worms.

My favorite thing about Abidjan is that it’s like the first country (note: It’s actually a city) that pops up on an alphabetic list of countries. How’s the weather there?

Let me know what I should do next.

Show me the money! No more raccoons for me!!!!

Kelsey

Mad World

American Flag on NY Stock Exchange Replaced by Credit Card Ad

By Kelsey

Wall Street brought to you by America. America brought to you by Wall Street.

An $8 whiskey near Wall Street. Where is Windell when you need him? Glad I brought my credit card.

(60 minutes later) Wait, wasn’t there just a flag here? Wall Street brought to you by debt. Debt brought to you by Wall Street?

Mad World

A Popular post written by a boob for boobs…did I mention boobs yet?

By Kelsey

If I were paid per page view, I would wake up in the morning and write a headline like the one above.

This is what our world is coming to. Journalist Michael Ayers (@michaeldayers) shared a story with me this morning in the New York Times – In a World of Online News, Burnout Starts Younger.

The piece is about how online journalists are on deadline around the clock and judged by the amount of page views their pieces get. Here’s a passage:

…they try to eke out a fresh thought or be first to report even the smallest nugget of news — anything that will impress Google algorithms and draw readers their way.

Tracking how many people view articles, and then rewarding — or shaming — writers based on those results has become increasingly common in old and new media newsrooms. The Christian Science Monitor now sends a daily e-mail message to its staff that lists the number of page views for each article on the paper’s Web site that day.

The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Los Angeles Times all display a “most viewed” list on their home pages. Some media outlets, including Bloomberg News and Gawker Media, now pay writers based in part on how many readers click on their articles.

To me this story is less about recent-grads being overworked than what a focus on page views and writing for search engines means for media as a whole.

I’m somewhat okay with Gawker having a big board in their office that tracks the most viewed posts and who wrote them; the world turns to them for gossip. But the fact that the NY Times, Washington Post, LA Times, and other papers are doing so is really sick. No wonder we don’t hear about people suffering from the financial crisis around the world or the political situation in Kyrgyzstan.

Performance is no longer based on depth and importance, but popular appeal.

In a few years from now maybe I could be the world’s most viewed journalist. Each morning I’ll hit my keyboard first thing and see what’s trending on Twitter and Google and write a post combining as many of the topics as possible.

It would go something like this.

Trending on TWITTER as of 2:54 PM:

1)Cissa Guimares is a Brazilian actress not afraid to show her boobs.
2)Bruna Surfistinha is a former prostitute who blogged about her tricks that likes to show her boobs.
3)Lindsey Lohan used to be an actress now she just shows parts of her boobs and is in prison.
4)Teflon Don is an album by Rick Ross, apparently about bitches:

She came to party like it’s 1999
If she died on my d!@k
She would live through my rhymes

Trending on Google as of 2:54 PM:

1)Defarra Gaymon (actual news) was shot by an undercover cop in NJ.
2)Shirley Sherrod (more actual news!) resigned from USDA after admitting to limiting assistance given to a white farmer because of his race. (editd: oops! The media screwed this one up. She’s back and has received an apology from the President. Imagine that, the media screwed up reporting something.)
3)Colt McCoy is a football player who just got married and a song about his rival Tim Tebow was sung at his wedding.
4)The Switch is a movie in which an actress famous for her boobs gets pregnant with a turkey baster.
5)The Donner Party wasn’t much of a party, unless you like eating humans.

So that’s it. If you want to rake in the page views to protect your job, pay off school loans, or feed the kids you should write this:

Chicks show boobs at Donner Party

At the late night Donner Party following Colt McCoy’s wedding, Cissa Guimares, Bruna Surfistinha, and Lindsey Lohan showed their boobs while dancing to Rick Ross’s new album Teflon Don. Defarra Gaymon and Shirley Sherrod were not in attendance, but they’ll only be trending for the next day or two so they weren’t invited. Word on the street is that Sherrod, in fact, has boobs, but partygoers would rather be eaten than look at them or waterboarded with a turkey baster.

At this rate in a few years we’ll all be bigger asses than…well…than Bruna Surfistinha’s…

Mad World

Christian Porn Stars Wanted

By Kelsey

60-minutes was on. Harper, our daughter, was upstairs drifting to sleep to Kenny Loggins. Annie was paying bills at the kitchen table. I was looking for Christian porn.

“Annie (my wife)! Annie!” I was giddy. “You’ve got to see this! It’s a Christian porn site!”

Annie has this immense capacity to put up with me. It’s basically her superpower. “What are you doing?” She calmly asked.

I told her that in my efforts to find a funny name for an imaginary Christian Porn magazine for Monday’s post, I stumbled upon Sweet Christians:

“The #1 Christian Porn Site: Where the girls are always sweet!”

She went back to paying bills and I poured over the site. There aren’t any pictures or videos on the site. It has been up for a few years, but Sweet Christians seems to be having trouble finding models. Go figure.

If you’re interested, you should check out their Models Wanted page: We would love to hear from you, all shapes and sizes and types, and all Christian!

I’m not sure there is a better way to spend a Sunday than to browse the comments of a Christian Porn site.

By Dalton, January 18, 2010 @ 10:59 pm
I think that a Christian porn sit should be moral, Not treating a girl like a sex object but a person, no cussing, AND HAVE COUPLES! A MAN AND A WOMEN FOR VEIWING BY A MAN AND A WOMAN. What married Christian couple is going to want to see just a girl. They want to see other married Christian couples.

By admin, January 19, 2010 @ 5:46 am
Yes, Dalton, you have made a good point, thank you for taking the time to do so.

By Cynthia, February 23, 2010 @ 10:34 am
and make the wedding rings visible!!

By danny, February 24, 2010 @ 4:13 pm
this website is shit, i want real porn

By danny, February 24, 2010 @ 4:13 pm
porn porn porn!!!

It’s really telling that in the above thread Danny, the “porn porn porn!!!” guy is the only one that makes sense. As for the others, I’m not sure what to think.

A good Christian comes into a room with a porno on a 50” plasma. At first he is offended by what he sees. But then he sees that the couple is naked but for their wedding rings. When he sees the bible vibrating on the bookshelf-headboard, he breathes a sigh of relief, “They’re Christians!” grabs his wife and watches porn like a good Christian.

What do Christians and Larry Flint have in common? They are both offended by SweetChristians.com.

Featured Story, Mad World

Big Butter Jesus is Toast

By Kelsey

I’m not one to laugh about flaming religious icons, but there’s just something about a flaming Big Butter Jesus that cracks me up.

I try to justify it by thinking how tacky and wasteful a 60-foot, $500,000 Styrofoam Jesus is, but I still feel somewhat guilty about it. Look, every religion has their excessive spending – Buddha statues, the Taj Mahal, the Vatican. So who am I to wisecrack about Big Butter? I defer to Heywood Banks on the issue.

In the lyrics of his song Big Butter Jesus, Banks sings, “‘No graven images’ that’s one of the commandments…”

That makes me feel a little better. I don’t think it was invented back then, but I’m pretty sure that by “graven” Jesus meant Styrofoam. Still, I feel that it’s always a bit lazy to rifle through religious texts until you find the one thing that justifies your beliefs. But, feeling guilty or not, that won’t stop me from believing that a blazing Big Butter Jesus is hilarious.

Here’s Banks’ new verse to the song (as read in the Dayton Daily News):

“One night Big Butter got hit by lightning/It burned to the frame wire in a giant grease fire. Some blamed it on Satan, and boy, that would be frightening/But I thought it was Jesus’ father who was in charge of lightning.”

And The new chorus:

“Big fireball Jesus, flaming shot Jesus, charbroiled Jesus, Opa! Jesus, extra crispy Jesus, bananas foster Jesus, I’m put out it’s not Jesus, Charcoal-y O Lord.”

Watch this and let me know how it makes you feel. It cracks me up.

If anything, I think the lesson here is if you are going to spend $500K on a religious icon, for Christ’s sakes don’t make it out of Styrofoam.

UPDATE: Koop, from the comments, took a shot at a new verse to Big Butter Jesus. Here it is…

Mad World

Big Butter Jesus Destroyed by Fire

By Kelsey

Okay, before you read this you need to start the video below.

I bet Heywood Banks, the comedian singing the uber-catchy melody that should be playing right now, has a full inbox this morning because Big Butter Jesus was struck by lightning last night. This is all that remains…

One of my Facebook friends described it as a praying mantis.

I’ve driven by BBJ, located just off I-75 between Dayton and Cincinnati, many times. I will miss him, not as one who misses a religious monument, but as one who misses the world’s largest piece of fruit located in your home town. It was a roadside attraction. There’s not much left to say that Banks hasn’t sung already, so I’ll just wrap up with a few select quotes from the story about the flaming Jesus in the Dayton Daily News.

“It meant so much to so many people,” Browning said. “The statue can be destroyed and gone, but Jesus can’t be.”

…

“God struck God, I like the irony. Jesus struck Jesus,” said Dawn Smith, 25, of Hamilton, who was among those standing outside the vehicles along Union Road. “I had to see it. What else are you going to do on a Monday night?”

…

“It sent goosebumps through my whole body because I am a believer,” said Levi Walsh, 29. “Of all the things that could have been struck, I just think that that would be protected. … It’s something that’s not supposed to happen, Jesus burning,” he said. “I had to see it with my own eyes.”

“I can’t believe Jesus was struck,” said his brother, who noted the giant Hustler Hollywood sign for the adult store across the street was untouched. “It’s the last thing I expected to happen.”

I hope Jesus was insured.

Mad World

“You can’t eat money” and other deep thoughts

By Kelsey

Andrew and I have been in touch with one another throughout our Nothing Personal project and one thing keeps coming up…this ain’t easy work. It’s uncomfortable and emotionally fatiguing to talk to folks whose lives have been shattered by the crisis.

I’m tired of living this crisis and talking about it. But we have a lot more important work to do. The events of 2008-2010 have changed my life and the lives of countless others.

Here’s a windblown me trying to make sense of it all.

And here’s me talking to cows…

Mad World

Leaving Uganda but Uganda won’t leave me

By Kelsey

Tomorrow I leave Uganda for Ireland. It’s been a busy few days and I’m reminding of something that Jake at Nuru told me:

“These folks are way stronger than me. The things they’ve been through and overcome, I don’t think I could do it.”

I don’t know how they do it.

Meet Susan:
She is a single mother of 6 and is HIV+. She received food from the clinic, but not since the financial crisis.Now her children eat one meal a day.

Meet Jacob:
Jacob was my main man in Uganda. He’s a college-grad who had a good job with an NGO supported by USAID. The contract was supposed to last for five years. Jacob got married and soon his wife Sarah was pregnant. Shortly thereafter it was announced that USAID was pulling the funding as a result of the global financial crisis. Jacob has been without work for 8 months. His daughter Nawira is now 2 weeks old.

Meet Cornelius :
Cornelius used to own several small businesses partly supported by his brother’s remittances from the US. Cornelius doesn’t hear from his brother anymore. Many of the businesses have been “crushed” by the crisis.

Meet Gerald:
Gerald lost his father to AIDS when the ARV meds were no longer free at the clinic. Gerald had to drop out of school to help support his family. He now lives and works at a small dry cleaners.

Mad World

The Mathare Slums

By Kelsey

Taken by Justin Ahrens

A billion people live in the slums of our world.

As one of the 5 billion that don’t, I think we have an obligation to at least know what life is like for the other 17% of humanity. So, I thought we would take a stroll together through the slums of Mathare.

Wait, you are going to wear those shoes? Are you sure? They look awfully white.

Man makes things in straight lines. The Mathera valley is anything but. The tin shacks, rickety antennas, rusting roofs, and winding paths are awkward an uneven, organic. Nature takes what’s given to it and makes what it can. People living in poverty do the same.

This path leads down the valley. It hurts my knees to take such large steps without anything to hang on to. I’m 31 with a bad set of knees and it’s a bit challenging. What about the old folks? Well, considering the average person lives to be 50 in Mathare, it’s not that big of a deal. Something else usually gets you before your joints fail completely. There aren’t any walkers or scooters here.

You’re asking me what you just stepped in? How am I supposed to know, you are the one who stepped in it. I told you that you shouldn’t have worn the white shoes.

There are puddles here. Lots of them. You can’t really call them water puddles or mud puddles because they are a mix of bathwater puddles, laundry puddles, pee puddles, and any other form of thing that oozes and runs from high places to low. You stepped in a slum puddle.

You’ll get used to the smell after awhile. Trust me, I’ve been sprayed by a skunk. The smell would never be canned and sold, sure, but I don’t think it’s bad as you think. You know how when you don’t like the way something tastes you hold your nose? Well, here in Mathera, if you don’t like the way something smells you can close your eyes and it won’t smell so bad. You won’t see the four-year-old boy dropping trowel, you won’t see the three little piles of poo next too each other, each unhealthier looking than the next. You won’t see food scraps, plastic, cardboard, and people in various stages of decomposition and degradation. You won’t see the screaming toddler on the ground kicking his feet after a painful fall, not looking for his mother because she’s not watching, dusting himself off and going about his unsupervised toddler business.

Speaking of the kids, just let them tug on your arms. They don’t see people like us that often. We have arm hair and they don’t. Anytime you meet someone with hair in a place where you never knew hair grew – or at least in such a quantity – it is natural to pet them. Enjoy it.

While you’re being petted, I recommend working on a few Swahili words, Jamba and Sassa both mean hi. You could also teach the kids how to thumb wrestle, how to pull your thumb off, or anything else with your hands that requires the movement of your hairy little digits.

Watch your step, it’s especially slick and steep here near the river. Yep, that’s not a river of Orange Crush splitting the valley. This isn’t Candy Land. In board games everyone plays by the same rules, everyone has the same chance of getting to Gumdrop Mountain before any other player, everyone has an equal chance to be a winner. Mathare is full of losers.

The people started at home – likely a surrounding province – moved to Nairobi “the land of opportunity,” and found themselves stopped in the Molasses Swamp with little hope of ever moving onward.

The river of Orange Crush is nearly worthless. It’s good for carrying waste of humans or from humans away. It can’t be used for drinking or washing. It damages homes when it floods. And the true test of any body of water to it’s usefulness, kids can’t/won’t play in it.

The bridge is a bit tricky. I’m sure you could build a better one with a $25 gift card to Lowe’s and 20 minutes. Still, there’s no other way to cross. Yes, it’s uneven. Yes, it bows beneath your weight. No it probably hasn’t been “inspected” since the last person walked across it and it didn’t break. But it didn’t break, so buck up and cross.

Welcome to the west side of Mathare. It’s pretty much like the east side so I’ll shut up now and you can soak up Mathare for yourself.

There is one last thing you should know: the folks on the west side think the folks on the east live tougher and more dangerous lives. In turn, the people on the east believe the same thing in reverse.

It’s our nature to think someone else always has it worse than us. In some instances, it’s healthy. But for you and me, who belong to the privileged 80% who don’t live in a slum, it’s anything but healthy.

In fact, it makes us sick.

Featured Story, Mad World