Dec
30

From Sweet Christian porn stars to iPhone Girl: A year in blogging

By Kelsey

YouTube Preview Image
(The theme song of this blog for 2010)

Blogging never ceases to surprise me. It seems like the most fleeting of thoughts slapped down end up being the biggest hits.

Here are the greatest hits (some in actual hits and some that I just like) from 2010

Christian Porn Stars Wanted – the most visited post of the year. Sorry grandma.

Travelers Give a Shit – One of the most visited and probably my favorite. I’ll be building on this theme in 2011.

A Popular post written by a boob for boobs…did I mention boobs yet? – In which I rant against keyword driven content in media and blogs.

He-Man vs. Dora The Explorer – rumination on today’s cartoons.

Big Butter Jesus is Toast – Jesus statue goes up in flames near Dayton, Ohio.

The Mathare slums – I give you a tour of one of the world’s poorest places.

Free Money! – The comments of a post have never annoyed me and broke my heart more than the ones this post yielded. Half of India turned out to ask for $10. But so did other folks who are suffering the tough times that so many are. Lesson: I need to do much more than give $10 per week. Another theme I’ll build on in 2011.

Blue Moose Nuts – This post got me in trouble with some of my relation. Oops!

McPhee to writers: Your going to get there – It’s always exciting when an author of the book you mention leaves a comment on your site. Thanks Norman Sims!

iPhone Girl – Proof that we care about the people who make our stuff when we actually think about it.

Zombie’s stop health care reform – Health insurance pisses me off. I pay $307 per month for it and have a $6,000 deductible.

Faith in the poor – About my overnight stay in the slums which led to this piece in Relevant Magazine, one of my favorite pieces of the year.

A big thanks to all of you for reading. This is my 6th year of blogging and it just keeps getting better. I’ve got big plans in 2011. Namely I want to be more useful to you and discover how we can better change the world together.

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Dec
10

VICTORIA’S SECRET: A Christmas Story

By Kelsey

Victoria's Secret store

(Photo by Smath via Flickr Creative Commons)

[I wrote the piece below a few years ago about shopping for my then-girlfriend/now-wife, Annie, at Victoria's Secret. I've vowed to post it every Christmas so other fellas know what to expect if they venture into the plush palace of pink. I haven't stepped foot in the store since.]

For most of my life I’ve pretended that Victoria didn’t exist and that her secret meant nothing to me.

Countless times I passed her store, without so much as a sideways glance. Even if I wasn’t shopping with my my girlfriend (now wife) Annie, I vowed not to scan her windows. Why? Because, I wasn’t a perve.

It’s surprising how developed ones peripheral vision can become. Through mine I saw a pink palace of plush carpet. Everything seemed as soft as a cloud – the lace, the fabric, the cleavage. Inside, leggy, buxom young ladies spoke with accents as they advised hot young co-eds on the wonders of the Wonder Bra. And, oh, the changing rooms. What delicate little rooms of privacy they must be.

With a little imagination my peripheral vision was at least 20/20. Damn near X-ray.

It’s the Wednesday afternoon before Christmas. It happens fast, like a decision to itch your elbow. One moment I’m feigning interest in the candle store across the hall and now I’m walking towards her. Face to face with Victoria.

I’m going in.

Table after table stacked with underwear. Walls lined with bras. If I had died at the age of 13, this is where I would have gone. And, in turn, if I would have gone here at the age of 13, I would have died. My chest is tight and rises and falls with a shudder, each breath shorter than the last. I need help. I need to get in and get out as quickly as possible.

I find her folding underwear. She’s wearing an earpiece to get updates on urgent stock issues regarding nighties. She has dark hair, dark eyes, and an air of holiday retail disgust. She’s a little heavy, and not very leggy or buxom. I picture her in her underwear. I picture the guy who just walked in with the Yankees cap turned backwards in his underwear. In an underwater store it’s hard not to picture everybody in their underwear.

“I need help,” I say.

“What can I do for you?” She stops folding.

“I want to buy my girlfriend the most comfortable underwear you have,” I say. To be honest, I feel a little stupid saying underwear in public to a complete stranger. I ponder using undergarment or skivvies or anything that sounds more prudish.

“Here are some of our more comfortable bras.” She says as she motions to the wall of bras. Cupped and hanging perfectly as if being modeled by some invisible babes.

I nod.

“Does she wear these?” She points. Then she motions to her own chest. “They cup higher. Or these that are a little lower?”

“Whatever is the most comfortable.” I emphasize comfort too inform her that I’m not like those other guys that come in looking for a little nylon and spandex to sculpt their ladies and leave their secret treasures secret, but just barely so. The perverts.

“What size is she?”

I stare at her searching. I’ve snuck a peak or two at Annie’s bras lying on the bathroom floor. Most are faded and worn to the point where the tags are unreadable. But just yesterday I saw one of her newer ones, no less than five years old. Every guy wants to know his ladies digits.

“What color?”

“White.” White is not sexy. It’s everyday. Red or black would be selfish – like I was dressing her up for me. This isn’t about me. She buys her underwear in packs of 5 at Wal-Mart. I want to treat her to something special that she wouldn’t buy for herself.

“How much is it?” I say.

“$45.”

I act like I’m not doing any conversions. That $45 dollars does not equal hours’ worth of work. That $45 couldn’t buy me enough underwear to last three years or enough pizza to last a week. $45 Dollars!

“Okay.” I say.

She hands me the bra.

I’m holding a bra. I’ve never held a bra in the privacy of my own home and now here I am at the mall holding one.

“How about panties to match?”

“Sure.” Panties! Panties! Aren’t panties underwear. I wish she would call them underwear.

“What kind does she wear?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I guess something like those.” I point with the hand not holding the bra. The bra-holding hand isn’t going anywhere. It is frozen.

“Well unless your girlfriend is an 85-year-old grandma she doesn’t wear those,” she says.

“Here, she probably wears something like this – the string bikini bottoms.”

Pardon me for not knowing my undergarments, but for a moment I think that string bikini equals thong. I am on the verge of hanging myself with the bra. And then she holds up non-thong underwear. Thank God.

“Yeah, something like that would work,” I say, hoping she will hand them to me so I can run for the counter.

She doesn’t. “Now, seamed or seamless?”

“I guess seamless. They sound more comfortable. Besides,” I point to the table of seamed bottoms, “those look like the ones she gets in Wal-Mart by the bundle. Really, is there any difference…?” I continue on down this path completely and unintentionally devaluing this woman’s position as an undergarment salesperson before I finally realize that I should just shut it.

“This table is all seamless,” she says.

She starts to look through the neatly folded piles of panties, when she is interrupted, “Excuse me. I’m about a size 6. What would that be?” The woman is in her 40’s and appears to be calm as can be, as if she spent everyday searching out the perfect pair of underwear while 27-year-old me looks on.

I picture her in her underwear. I can’t help myself. I’m completely not attracted to this lady. Actually, she’s pissing me off. Who does she think she is trying to steal my sales rep (whatever her name is – I won’t read the name tag for fear that she thinks I’m trying to check out her chest)?

They continue on to talk about sizes and cuts.

I don’t hear them. I’ve got bigger problems. The realization has set in: I have to touch panties. The search for a medium begins. Ever so gently I pick through the stack.

Minutes or days go by, when the sales rep says, “You may want to consider these boy cut panties.”

Miss Size Six says, “I always wanted to try a pair of those.”

“Are they comfortable?” I ask.

“Yep, just like the bikinis. You can barely tell they are there. The main difference is that a little bit of butt cheek hangs out the bottom.”

She motions with her hand to where they hit her butt cheek. I picture her in boy cut panties. I picture Miss Size Six in boy cut panties. Hell, I picture me in boy cut panties.

“The boys,” she nods at me, “really like that.”

“Well which ones are more comfortable?” I ask.

“They’re the same. It all depends if you want to buy them for you or her.”

The torture! Deep down I hope that the pink of my surroundings disguises the flush in my face.

“I’ll just go with those.” I point to the bikinis.

“What color?”

I hem-haw around as if it doesn’t really matter to me. Color doesn’t really matter to us guys who just want to treat their ladies to overpriced seamless undergarments. Why would we care? Only pervs care.

“Here’s a white pair to match the top.”

Now I’m holding panties and a bra. I leave the two women talking about butt-cheek-hanging-outage and how much is sexy and how much is just too much.

If I wanted, I could crush up both garments and shove them into my pocket. They would take up next to no room, yet the check out girl feels the need to put them in a stiff pink bag with “Victoria’s Secret” written in big, sexy cursive. As quick as I can, I stuff the bag into another bag.

I bound out of the store. I don’t look back. Once again, I pretend Victoria’s Secret doesn’t exist.

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Dec
11

A Boy Named Kelsey

By Kelsey YouTube Preview Image

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean,
My fist got hard and my wits got keen,

-       Johnny Cash, “A Boy Named Sue”

My name is Kelsey and I’m a dude.

I watch football.

I have more than my share of chest hair — a result of always obliging when someone told me, “Here son, eat this. It’ll put hair on your chest.”

I think someone should invent cologne that smells like campfire or salty sea air.

I cry once every few years. But if you saw me crying, I would imagine whooping you on the spot, but wouldn’t because what kinda of sissy fights while he’s crying.

I drink beer (usually not much more than one or two at a time because it gives me a stomachache).

I spit (if I have something in my mouth).

I’ve one every fight that I’ve ever been in (with a 3rd grade girl when I was 8).

People often say that I sounds like Matthew McConaughey and he, my friends, was named Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine in 2005. It might have had more to do with his abs than his voice, but still.

Then why is that I’m constantly referred to as “Mam” by customer service people on the phone. “Mam, can you hold.” “Mam, that’ll be one second.” “Mam, why are you so upset.” “Mam, no, I don’t know what rhymes with ‘you’re a fupid sothermucker.”  These people have my SS#, the name of my first childhood pet, the name of the street I grew up on, and they don’t know that I’m a dude!

I’ve been blogging for five years now, and I’m starting to get quite an archive of  “A boy named Kelsey” rants.  Today, I thought I would share my favorite…

(from May 7th, 2006)

For the first 15 years of my life my name was a guy’s name. Now that every other girl born is given the name Kelsey, my gender is often misidentified. When I was receiving info from colleges trying to woo me into attending, I received one letter from St. Mary’s all-girl school located in South Bend, Indiana. I’ve always been a fan of Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies and it humored me to no end thinking about four-years of cross-gendered hijinx.

Over the years I have received some interesting mail addressed to Ms. Kelsey Timmerman, including one letter asking me to join AARP. Still trying to figure that one out. Not only did they think I was female, they also thought I was over 50-years-old. Yesterday I received one of my more memorable pieces of mail, a postcard from the American Greetings Card Company looking for freelance writers to write cards. It was addressed to….

Countess Kelsey Timmerman

Holy hell! I’m a countess!

I think I know what happened here. A few months ago I attended the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and while filling out the online registration form, I chose “Count” as the prefix to my name. It was late at night and I was feeling punchy and I was cracking-up at the amount of prefixes to choose from. I could have been a Commandant, Commander, General, Duke. You name it. I chose “Count” because I am a huge Dracula fan, plus, it kind of goes well with Kelsey.

Count Kelsey… Wah-ha-ha-ha!

I was bummed when I saw my name tag at the conference – no “Count Kelsey” just plain ol’, boring, “Kelsey Timmerman.” The thing that gets me is that someone sitting at American Greetings company looked at my name on the list of conference attendees, saw “COUNT Kelsey Timmerman” from OHIO, and thought, “Geeze that can’t be right. They must have meant Countess. Kelsey is a woman’s name.”

Which is more unbelievable, that there is a guy with the name of Kelsey or that there is someone in OHIO – land of no castles and or royalty – that is either a Count or a Countess?!?

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Aug
14

Me and Optimus Prime

By Kelsey

Optimus Prime Would you pay $4,995 for Optimus Prime?

That’s how much he’s going for on ebay. This makes me happy because I own this action figure already. Sure, he isn’t in the box and he has swapped a little paint with the Deceptagons. But still, it’s about time the world realized the value of Transformers.

Even if my Optimus Prime were in mint condition and worth $5K, I would not sell him.

Transformers only aired for two years in the early 80’s. Their resurgence in popularity reflects my generations newfound buying power. 10 years ago OP probably went for a few hundred on ebay, but now you could go to the car dealer and buy a real car for what he costs.

What torks me off is that some dork actually bought some of the original Transformer toys and didn’t play with them:

“Wanna come to my house? I got Optimus Prime for my birthday.” And once at the house, “No…No, don’t touch him. He’ll be worth a lot of money in 25 years.”

That’s the kind of kid that needs the crap kicked out of him.

I bought OP with my own money.  At the time I was earning $2 per week allowance.  My main duty was dusting, an activity that was less about polishing wood surfaces and more about turning jewelry boxes into spaceships and measuring the growth of my fingers by sticking a few of them in Dad’s cavernous wedding band.  I also mowed a lot.  We basically had a grass farm that took a solid two hours to finish.  I didn’t weigh much so when I hit a bump the automatic kill feature would shutoff the engine only to fire it back up when my butt landed.

I worked hard for OP and there are few toys or possessions of which I’ve been prouder to call my own. I played with him all of the time.  Together we ransacked the Deceptagons couch fortress and regularly foiled Galvetron’s plans to take over Earth.  How much is my Optimus Prime worth?

Way more than $5k.

Wired magazine has a pretty neat write-up on the cartoon and the toys. Apparently, the toys came first and the cartoon was a marketing idea. I don’t care. I still love OP and his loyal band of Autobots. Originally, they were made in Japan, but now, of course, like shoes, they are made in China.

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Jul
10

My All-American Cambodian Blue Jeans

By Kelsey

(With the relaunch of the new blog I’m highlighting old posts. I wrote this one in May of 2007 while in Cambodia.)

In the USA we didn’t invent the blue jean. We just made ‘em cool.

Jeans were first worn by the Italian Navy. But riveted jeans were first produced in San Francisco by Levi Strauss. He was a German immigrant. So, maybe blue jeans aren’t as All-American as I’d like to think, but I’ve got two words for you: James Dean.

Here’s one more: Fonzie

Levi’s has such a connection with the average American that they were one of the last companies to start sourcing internationally. The delay hurt them. It’s impossible to compete when your competition can make their product using labor that costs a fraction of what yours does.

So, now my Levi’s 501 Carpenter Pants are Made in Cambodia. Well, actually not anymore. Now that particular style is made in India. And the factory that gave life to my jeans in Phnom Penh doesn’t work with Levi’s anymore either. The Levi Sourcing Manager told me that the factory had issues with quality, efficiency, or meeting Levi’s labor standards.

The industry is nothing, if not fluid.


Levi’s

Their San Francisco office told me to contact the International Labour Organization when I arrived. This surprised me.

Every correspondence I’ve had with Levi’s or their factory has been a positive one. I won’t hesitate to buy a pair of Levi’s Made in Cambodia.

I visited the Roo Hsing factory. They washed my pants.


The Garment Miracle

In Cambodia the garment industry is seen as a miracle because it developed so fast (primarily in the last 10 years). It is Cambodia’s largest industry and accounted for about $2 billion in exports in 2006. Without the garment industry there wouldn’t be much of any industry in Cambodia.


A really, really short history of Cambodia

In the 1970’s, wiped-out by war. Awful stuff happened. People suffered before, and after. International aid organizations came to the rescue. Stuff still ain’t good.


Cambodia vs. Bangladesh

In Bangladesh I stopped traffic. I was too famous to attend rock concerts. In Cambodia I’m just another foreigner.

The presence of foreigners has shaped the garment industry here in Cambodia. There are many different organizations explaining the workers their rights and teaching them disease prevention (STD’s, malaria, dengue fever). The average worker in Cambodia gets paid about twice as much as the average one in Bangladesh.

The International Labour Organization monitors the factories and produces reports for the government and the brands that buy from the factories. I have a 62-page report from the ILO titled Women and Work In the Garment Industry. 62 pages! In one-month in Bangladesh I didn’t see a single page report.

The union I visited in Bangladesh was simply a bare room with 3 full-time employees and, as far as I know, it is the only union in the entire industry. Cambodia has 800 union and only 300 factories. Some of them are in actual offices too! Some are aligned with different political parties, some with the government, some with the factories themselves, and some are independent …kinda sort of. It’s pretty much a guarantee that if you are a factory owner, a bunch of people are going to be pissed at you no matter what you do.

In February, a union leader was shot and killed on his way home from work at the Suntex factory (where Kent’s underwear were made). I stopped in at their office and they aren’t sure who killed him. It could have been another union, it may have been the factory, or, they speculate, it even might have been the government!

The factories I saw in Bangladesh seemed to have okay conditions, but the pay sucked. In Cambodia the pay is okay and the conditions seem to be okay (although I haven’t toured any of the smaller operations that are usually the guilty parties of most of the violations).

But like I said, stuff still ain’t good.


The Workers

Chhuon, my translator, knew a neighborhood where some workers lived. We showed up and made some friends.

8 girls live in the 8’X12’ room.

A toilet is walled off in the corner.

A water spigot comes out of one wall. This is the washroom, the kitchen, and the laundry. If the door to their room isn’t shut passersby could watch them bathe from the street.

Two bamboo beds are pushed together. They’re big, but not big enough to sleep eight. Four of the girls sleep on the floor. It’s always the same four girls on the floor. They like it. The concrete may be harder, but it’s cooler. Once the window and door are shut and locked, for security purposes, there is not any ventilation. Eight people in a small room gets pretty hot.

Other than the beds, the only other piece of furniture is a metal clothing wrack, which holds the wardrobes of all eight girls.

Faded negative prints of Snow White and Cinderella posters hang on the wall. The girls don’t know either character. But there was an empty spot on the wall and they got a good deal on the posters at the market.

This might all sound depressing to some, but it isn’t really. The place is filled with giggly energy. It’s like being in a crowded room of college freshman co-eds, except these girls don’t go to class. They go to work and make our clothes.

They get paid a minimum of $50/month plus any overtime. That’s more than teachers in Cambodia get paid. It’s enough for them, but they have more people than themselves to be concerned about. The average worker supports seven people on her income.

The girls don’t like their job. But they don’t have much of a choice. Their family needs them to work, so they work. The worst part is that they live far from their families. Most of the workers are from villages in the provinces surrounding Phnom Penh. They miss being home. I wanted to see why, so I went with two of them back to their home village near the city of Kompong Cham.

Their villages are surrounded by green rice fields. The only thing more abundant than fresh air are friendly neighbors. There is enough fresh fruit to eat off the trees to make your belly ache.

I would rather live in the village than Phnom Penh…if they had internet.

Nari is 25. She’s outgoing and slightly oversized in all directions for a Cambodian girl. She had to pay a $50 for a man with connections at the factory to land her an interview. Her family owns pigs, fruit trees, and rice fields, but it’s not enough to support them. She sends money home so they can buy rice. She wants to open a beauty salon in her village and is currently taking classes in makeup application. She’ll fancy-up girls for their wedding day. Soon she will start learning how to do hair. She’s already purchased a hair iron and hopes to buy more equipment soon. She asks me a lot of questions about the cost of manicures in the USA and if girls wear extensions in their hair. I do my best to answer, but the truth is I haven’t touched my hair with a brush in ten years. Hers is the life of the average Cambodian.

Ai is 24. She’s shy, but quick to smile. She doesn’t have a contract with the factory and therefore can be fired at any time for any reason without justification. She irons some 10,000 pants/day. It’s a hot job. She would like to be a teacher, but has had only three years of education herself. She laughs when I tell her that some Americans wouldn’t buy Levi’s that were Made in Cambodia because they don’t think she’s treated fairly. Ai thinks this is ridiculous because if they don’t buy the jeans she won’t have a job. It seems simple. Her bosses won’t let her or any of her co-workers talk while they are working. She misses working in the rice fields around her village. In the rice fields they talked a lot. To get to her home we have to wade through two streams. Her father is a construction worker. He doesn’t own much more than their home. Their water buffalo was stolen two weeks ago. Her grandmother is worried about her safety in the city. Her mom visits her twice a year to bring her jackfruit, mangoes, darian, and a bunch of other fruits that I’ve never heard of. Two of Ai’s sisters live with her in Phnom Penh. They are also garment workers. Her family is poorer than Nari’s

Also, garment workers don’t like bowling. Who knew?


I came to Cambodia. I met the girls who made my pants. They giggled a lot.

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May
20

Random dad thoughts

By Kelsey

1) Swaddle = Enhanced Sleep Aid.

Sure, at a certain point it is probably illegal, but what’s so illegal about mom, dad, and baby getting a full night of sleep?  Does anyone know when the illegal point is?  Harper is busting out of her — velcro enhanced — swaddle already and starting to not sleep all night.

2) When your kid cries and you are the cause of the tears it really doesn “hurts me more than it hurts you.”

I always thought my parents were making that crap up. Last night I plopped down in my recliner while holding Harper.  Her head bumped into my collar bone and she started screaming. It hurt me bad.

3) Seeing your favorite childhood stuffed animal — in my case Garfield — sleeping next to your baby daughter may cause smiling, crying, or both.

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May
19

When was the last time you listened to a good book

By Kelsey

Everything I write I read aloud. I would hate to think how many hours or times I read WAIW? aloud to myself and sometimes to Annie.

I read aloud as a I write. I real aloud at day’s end to review what I’ve written. I read aloud entire sections and chapters. Once the book was done, I read it aloud several times through. Each time I would make changes. In fact, I’m still making changes. My copy of WAIW? has sentences scratched out and words added.

Because I love things that validate my behavior (who doesn’t), I enjoyed VERLYN KLINKENBORG’s op-ed in the NY Times, The Lost Art of Reading Aloud. Here’s a bit:

“Reading aloud recaptures the physicality of words. To read with your lungs and diaphragm, with your tongue and lips, is very different than reading with your eyes alone. The language becomes a part of the body.”

Their are instances where hearing someone read their work aloud has increased my appreciation for their work. I heard USA Today Columnist Craig Wilson read aloud and now get an even bigger kick out of reading his column. To really solidify this point, I’ve got two words: David Sedaris. His work is hilarious on its own, but if he’s reading it, it is pee-your-pants hilarious.

Still, there is a potential downside. If your reading voice or tone does not match the tone of your written-voice in your reader’s head, the reverse could be true. Thankfully, I don’t have many examples to give here and I choose to keep those to myself.

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May
18

Dude, you could win an iPod Video Nano

By Kelsey

A few days ago I asked if anyone had any good ideas for a giveaway for the relaunch of the blog (which is going to be awesome by the way). Larry Olson at Wiley, my publisher, suggested he would pitch in an iPod video Nano. How cool is that?

I’m a bit jealous. I’m not sure how the giveaway will be decided, but I doubt you’d all let me get by with being the winner. Darn.

This could be your hand…

iPod Nano

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May
18

We are all the class of 2009

By Kelsey

“Now, you, Class of 2009, are about to enter the next phase of your life at a time of great uncertainty. You’ll be called to help restore a free market that’s also fair to all who are willing to work.”
-

President Obama to Notre Dame’s class of ’09

(the whole speech is here)

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May
17

A thousand words…

By Kelsey

Welcome to the world Cale Taylor (my nephew)!

Cale and Kelsey

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©2009–2012 Kelsey Timmerman
All Rights Reserved.
Contact Kelsey hi@kelseytimmerman.com

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