How can I have my midlife crisis if TransAm is dead?

I thought I had my mid-life crisis all figured out.

In 2029 when I turn 50, I’ll start lifting weights, listen to nothing but the Goo Goo Dolls, dust off the ol’ letterman jacket, and – this is the most important party — buy a shiny new TransAm to make me feel 16 again.

But now that Pontiac is no more, how’s a fella supposed to get through his midlife crisis? Surely you don’t expect me to buy a Mustang, do you?

On my 16th birthday my parents chipped in half for the TransAm I had been pining for. Not one of those weenie ones with a V6 in it. It had eight screaming cylinders of raw American muscle. I was proud of how much gas and rubber it burnt when I dropped the hammer. It looked like the Batmobile and so that’s what I got on the license plate — BATMBLE.

I thought I was cool. One of the last times I drove it, I was picking up Annie from her dorm in college, and a girl walked by staring at the car.

“That’s right,” I thought. “Soak it up. You wish you were going to slide into the co-pilot seat as my Robin, but that seat is filled.”

When her eyes fell upon the license plate, she rolled her eyes. Rolled her eyes at the BATMBLE!

I drove the car slow – not much over the speed limit. I was like an Olympic sprinter strolling through the park – I knew I was fast, I knew that I could toast you, and you knew that I knew I could toast you, but I just puttered along confident in my speed.

The rumor around school was that I landed Annie because of the Batmobile. Never mind that most days I drove my dad’s beat up 25 year-old truck, which had a wood bed and holes in the floor panels. But on the weekends we would take the Batmobile to the movies. Some might think that growing up in the rural Midwest an hour away from a movie theater would be a bad thing. Obviously, they never had the pleasure of riding in the Batmobile.

Annie says that she didn’t start dating me because of the car. When I pressed her for why she started dating me, she rolled her eyes and said that she felt sorry for me.

Even so, I know that she enjoyed the rides in that car. I could tell that she thought I was especially cool when I popped in the CD of the Batman theme song.

How cool was I at 16? That’s coolness that I’ll never be able recover, not at 30, not at 40, and not in 2029 at 50. Especially now that Pontiac is dead.

What are your plans for your midlife crisis?

Annie, the Batmobile, and I on the way to our Prom in 1997. You wish you were this cool in high school.

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Kent says:

For my midlife crisis, I think I’ll get a nose ring and dye my tips blonde like Dennis Rodman circa 1996.

Dan says:

My midlife crisis will include a Jeep with all sort of modifications that make it look goofy and a mullet. They will be in style for sure.

Justin says:

Kels,

is that a sweet curly mullet tail I see gleaming in the sun?

Kyle says:

Mine will be driving around in a Red 1986 Chevrolet IROC Z28 Camaro with the T-tops out, a hot girl in the passenger seat, and Foreigner’s Juke Box Hero blaring from the Pioneer subwoofers! Oh, wait…..I did that 2 weeks ago.

Kelsey says:

Kent, when you do send photos. Are you going to be wearing a wedding dress like Rodman did too?

Dan & Justin, you guys totally want to grow mullets. Do it, already! I did have a rat tail back when I was in middle school. The ladies loved it.

Kyle, ’93 TA vs. ’87 Camaro for titles. What do you say?

Sonny Johl says:

Man, you’ve planned out your midlife crisis much more thoroughly than I have! All I know is that, not having rebelled in my teen years, my midlife crisis will be magnificent! I’m gonna start planning, and maybe we can meet up in 2029 so we can bear witness to each other’s crises at 50!

Jenn says:

Oh my gosh, those sunglasses…

Kelsey says:

Sonny, I got most of my rebelling out of my system by age of 7. Since then I’ve been a straight arrow. But we deserve to have some fun sometime right? Look out 2029. We’ll meet in Kansas and have a rave in a corn field lit by the headlights of our newly purchased sports cars.

Jenn, Kyle had a pair too.

Oh. My. Goodness. I would never have pictured you in a muscle car.

Matt Barhorst says:

They didn’t have bow ties in Union City? Is that an ornamental button? I’m glad I didn’t know you until college, Kelsey. I wouldn’t have been your friend.

Kelsey says:

Matt, yeah, but I rocked that ornamental button! Dude, you wore sweater vests in college. I think that fact alone revokes your fashion criticism privileges.

Matt Barhorst says:

You are full of shit. I’ve never owned a sweater vest. Seriously.

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