Adventures in Spam: The poor dead bastard of great great uncle von Hasselhoff
From: Henri Konan [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2008 11:16 AM
My name is Hon Dr Henri Konan from Cote D I’ voire my
client died Three years ago leaving behind Capital
amount (US$5.6M with interest) in our bank here where
i work ,I am his account manager ,till date nobody has
come forward or put application for the claim.
During the my private search for the relative recently
your name was among the findings that matches the same
surname as the deceases name is (withheld for security
reason) who died interstate with no Will or next of
To maintain the level of security required I have
intentionally left out the final details. I want you
to come forward since I can provide you with the
details needed for you to claim the Funds so that I
can be gratify by you,I will do all the crucial part
in the bank to have the claim release to you promptly.
To affirm your willingness and cooperation I do
expect you prompt response.
Hon Dr Henri Konan
My SPAM response
ATTN: Dear Two.
My name is Kelsey von Hasselhoff Timmerman. My great great Uncle Edward Von Hasselhoff was rumored to have had a night of illicit passion with the daughter of the Premier of Cote D’Ivoire. I’m guessing that your client may have been the illegitimate love child of great great Uncle von Hasselhoff’s.
I’m glad to hear that your client – my great cousin – was able to overcome the social stigma of being a fatherless child and lead a successful life. $5.6 million?! That’s one rich bastard!
I’m so glad you contacted me. This incident has been a blight on my family for generations and one we would like to correct by finally embracing our African kin. It’s really not about the money at all, but about reuniting a divided family. We have the DNA of everyone in our family stored in our family mausoleum with the exception of your client’s who we have been searching for for years. We hope that some day we can use the DNA to bring to life the clones of our long-dead relatives – with the exception of my great great uncle von Hasselhoff who was a real SOB. Can you imagine the wonderful von Hasselhoff Timmerman family reunion will have?! Please, email me a photo of your client so I can compare it to the cryogenically frozen popsicle that is great great uncle von Hasselhoff. He passed down a huge hooked nose and an irreparable hair lip to all of his other offspring and I would expect, also, to your client.
I respect your need for privacy and security. Let me know how you would like to proceed. As you probably know already, my family discovered gelatin and have made a fortune as gelatin barons. We have plenty of money to send you to assist with whatever fees you incur in shipping the body. Yes, we want the body. Your client is family and we would like to wash the body ourselves and extract its collagen for the purpose of making gelatin. We don’t need the money. In fact we would like to use the money to build a non-proft gelatin factory in Cote D’Ivoire, which is run by homeless people. You do have homeless people in Cote D’Ivoire, right?
I hope that soon you will be gratify by me and all my family.
Kelsey von Hasselhoff Timmerman III
P.S. Did you know that you share the name with the President of Côte d’Ivoire? Are you related?
I didn’t know you were the Timmermans of THE von Hasselhoff Timmerman line! Kyle was holding out on me….
Kyle has always been ashamed of our gelatin baron past.
I’m not going to lie, I was giggling and laughing out loud as I read your letter (hope my co-workers don’t mind). I didn’t know I was marrying into such wealth and status…
Soon you will be a von Hasselhoff Timmerman. You will be cloned.
Don’t forget to mention the pride that Kyle has, heck, that we all have in knowing that some of our relatives were moonshiners who relocated (in a hurry) from Kentucky to Mississppi to escape
…to escape “the law.” Gelatin and Moonshine…Hey! Jello Shots!
(for some reason the wittiest part of my comment did not send the first time.)
that happens to you a lot doesn’t it…your wit not sending. Probably has something to do with all of those braincells your kin lost to moonshine. I’ve got the same problem, obviously.
I about died reading this! How dare you connect me to the von Hasselhoff Timmerman name!