A rant: Peeing Calvin

Allow me to go off.

Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes fame IS a rambunctious boy with an overactive imagination.

He IS NOT, nor has ever been depicted as, someone who urinates on things that rednecks don’t like.

Calvin never peed on a floating Chevy or Ford or John Deere or Case symbol, nor a floating (pick a Nascar number). The only thing I could imagine Calvin actually peeing on is a snowman, in an effort to slowly kill it. But everyone knows that rednecks like snowmen. If they didn’t they would surely have an adhesive on the back of their pickup truck of Calvin peeing on one.

So, if you want to piss me off put one of them there stickers on the back of your vehicle.

Yesterday I pulled up behind a truck with a demonic, grimacing Calvin peeing on the words “Anti-hunters” and “Animal Rights.” (Surprisingly these words were spelled correctly.) First, I never knew that there was an anti-hunting movement organized enough to be pee-worthy.

Look, just because you’re a hunter doesn’t mean you have to be against anti-hunters. From deerhunting.ws:

Why do we support anti-hunters?

The true anti-hunter has passed the litmus test that one must take not be a hypocrite.

They are one that can take the pulpit with a true conviction and transparency in their total life and environment. They take no life of any sort in their daily survival or existence. They do not judge which life is worth saving and which may die for their needs. Their protection of “life” extends to all living creatures regardless of them being “in the wild” or on a farm.

Example: If a preacher was to give a sermon on Sunday morning and then leave the church with his crack whores, we would call him a hypocrite.
Don’t know about you, but I’m anti-hypocrite and anti-crack whore just like these fellers.

Second, Animal Rights!?

Most hunters that I know aren’t against animal rights. They find sport in the game while connecting with nature. It’s not like they grab their rifle and holler to their wife, “Honey, I’ll be back this evening. Just going out to torture some animals.”

But this guy in this truck, he wanted nothing to do with animals having any of the rights. He doesn’t use any cleaning product or makeup unless it has been extensively tested on and resulted in the death of litters of animals. He doesn’t buy firecrackers larger around than a cat’s butt. He plucks the wings off of flies. He makes his coon dog watch him shower. When he watches those gnarly scenes filmed at slaughterhouses with madcows being slaughtered, he laughs so hard that he farts in his cat’s face.

And yes, he does have a cat and a dog, in fact, he has five of each. He likes being surrounded by living, breathing beings that aren’t twice as smart as him.

There I sat at the stop sign seething, with my meanest if-I-only-had-a-gun scour. After 10 seconds he turned right, a moose-sized plastic scrotum dangling from his hitch.

Don’t even get me started on moose nuts!

I turned left.