Dec
9

Where in the world is Kelsey? Clue #5

By Kelsey

SoccerPlayersCould one of these kids be the next Julio Cesar De Leon?

Add a Comment
Share This
Dec
4

Where is Kelsey? Video Clue (with special guest)

By Kelsey

Special Thanks to Frommer’s for helping support and promote this contest!

Add a Comment
Share This
Dec
2

In San Fran slacking….

By Kelsey

So a video clue was supposed to go up today in the Where is Kelsey contest. But the thing is, today was my only free day in San Francisco and I wanted to take in the sights. And tomorrow I’ll be flying all day. And…well after that I’m out of excuses, so I’ll get a video clue up on Friday. To make it up to you, I’ll have Harper - the world’s cutest baby - make a guest appearance.

Deal?

One Comment
Share This
Nov
30

Writing Turns Me On

By Kelsey

“I made a deal with my muse. I leave her alone and she leaves me alone.”

- poet and author Wendell Berry on the Diane Rehm Show today

Writing turns me on.

No, not like that you perve. Okay, maybe I should restate that.

I have a writing switch that I turn On and Off. When it’s on I search for narrative threads. I scan for details. I probe. When it’s off I just kind of fumble through life a victim of my scattered brain. It would be great if I could just leave the switch on and suck all the meaning I could out of a trip to the grocery, but that would be exhausting.

I would lean over the food conveyor thingy and stretch to see the checkout lady’s shoes. You can tell a lot from shoes. I would ask the bag boy what exactly his thought process was behind the Tattoo that reads “Serial Killer” on his forearm. I wound engage the bag boy: “Is this your way to tell people that you aren’t a serial killer? After all, no self-respecting serial killer would advertise it to the world. Or is this some type of double reverse logic psych out that ends with you stuffing unsuspecting patrons into their trunks?”

When I’m ON I constantly engage my environment. I go into social butterfly mode. And there’s only so much of that that I can take. Heck, there’s only so much of that the world can take.

I think that’s what Berry meant.

One Comment
Share This
Nov
25

Clue #3: the ultimate pit viper

By Kelsey

Face-to-face with the ultimate pit viper. (cartoon by Geoff Hassing)

midnight-in-the-jungle-t-sh

Next week I’ll share the story behind this cartoon.

Lots of Comments
Share This
Nov
24

On Monmouth College TV aka “The Big Time”

By Kelsey

Thanks to Monmouth College TV for sending me this bit on my recent visit.

Add a Comment
Share This
Nov
20

UnderEase anti-flatulence underwear

By Kelsey

As one of the top 10 living underwear journalists in Indiana, I’m always on the lookout for new under-the-radar underwear stories. And unlike those lazy underwear journalists who’ve built their careers on reviewing low-tech undies that don’t serve a larger social function or are pleasant to wear, I go the extra mile.

There’s no pair of underwear I won’t test drive.

I wish that my career path would’ve worked out better. Say, that I became a traveling journalist who went places and wrote about it like this guy. Instead I put underwear through a series of proprietary tests, including “the jumping jack,” “the barn door,” “the wedgie,” and “the marathon.”

That’s right “the marathon.” Some thought I ran the NYC marathon to help fight cancer and to check off “run a marathon” from my bucket list, but it was also to test a new pair of underwear.

Is there a Peebody award for underwear journalism? How about a Pewlitzer?

Thanks to UnderEase anti-flatulence underwear, I’m going to have to add to my barrage of tests.

It looks as if the UnderEase folks have already tried the “Dutch Oven,” although I’m not sure about the results.

The picture on the UnderEase homepage shows a retiree sitting up in bed reading the Urantia Book, which is described on Amazon.com as:

a “revelation from celestial beings. The writers refer to Earth as “Urantia” and state their intent to “present enlarged concepts and advanced truth” as a pathway to expanded cosmic consciousness and enhanced spiritual perception.”

I challenge you to find a more enlarged concept and advanced truth than uni-sex, anti-flatulence underwear.

So anyhow, the guy is sitting up in bed reading about our celestial overlords who apparently invented and funded UnderEase and his wife is lying beside him, her nose just above the covers near the man’s elbow. Her eyes are shut. That’s where the picture fails as a marketing tool. You can’t tell if she’s protected from her husband’s Silent But Deadly (SBD) farts or if she has in fact passed out.

Do they work or not?!?!

The question is killing me.

Which pair should I order to test drive?

My options:

1: The uni-sex GasEaters with the non-replaceable filter

2: The original UnderEase with a new thinner replaceable thinner.

3: The 2G (2nd generation) UnderEase made from “Fabuthane Laminated Polyester fabric with a breathable film allowing the transport of heat and moisture from the inside to the outside of Under-Ease by the process of diffusion.* Fabuthane can also act as a barrier to bacteria and viruses. (*Diffusion is the net transport of molecules from an area of higher concentration to one of lower concentration.)”

For those who still aren’t sure what diffusion is from the helpful asterisk, the process also is referred to as “he who smelt it dealt it.”

The pair with the most votes by the end of the weekend will be the pair I buy and try.

To me each pair looks the same: a garbage bag trimmed to the size and shape of underwear with a maxi-pad taped to the butt. If they’re airtight, I wonder if they’ll fill up with air as the day progresses (if you know what I mean). If so, there could be the danger of over-inflation and a not-so silent, but oh so deadly blow out.

There’s only one way to find out!

Until then, I’ll be busy thinking about how to test them. Right now I’m leaning toward a McDonald’s burrito breakfast, and a Pizza Hut lunch, and topped off with dinner at Colonial Ciudad (Mexican food), followed by an evening of crowded elevator-riding. Of course, I’m always open to other suggestions.

Lots of Comments
Share This
Nov
18

Where is Kelsey? (Bonus Clue)

By Kelsey

Apparently I can’t follow my own contest schedule. I’m supposed to post one clue each week, alternating video clues with photo clues. Last week I posted one of each. Oops. So, to get us back on schedule I’m adding another clue (below). From now on I’ll be post a clue each Wednesday. Here’s the schedule.

> Wednesday Nov 11th - Picture Post
> Wednesday Nov 18th - Video Clue
> Wednesday Nov 25th - Picture Post
> Wednesday Dec 2nd - Video Clue
> Wednesday Dec 9th - Picture Post
> Wednesday Dec 16th - Video Clue
> Wednesday Dec 23rd - Picture Post
> Wednesday Dec 30th - Video Clue
> Thursday Dec 31st Sweeps End

And your bonus clue:

My brother Kyle says, “Better take your antimalarial meds here!”.

Village

Typhoid_Kyle

Add a Comment
Share This
Nov
16

Truth & Books: Why you shouldn’t believe everything in Sarah Palin’s book

By Kelsey

The Associated press and staff members of the McCain campaign have called into question facts and quotes in Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” even before the book has hit the shelves.

This doesn’t surprise me. And it’s not because I think Sarah Palin is full of moose crap, it’s because no one fact-checked my book except me. Mind you, I did it over and over again until I wanted to rip my eyeballs out.

When David Sedaris wrote about buying a box of condoms in the New Yorker a fact-checker called Cost Co and asked if he had the quantity in the box right. Isn’t that ridiculous? It had zero to do with his story. But, you know, you have to respect every word written in the New Yorker that much more.

Magazines and newspapers are less permanent. They line birdcages. They’re used as stuffing when we mail breakables.

Carry out a box full of magazines and newspapers and burn them in your drive and the neighbors won’t care. Burn a box of books and you’ll be on the local news, you radical, you.

Books are far more permanent, yet they can be filled with a lot of trash facts and fabricated quotes that are validated only by the four-point font label on the inside of their jacket – “nonfiction.”

I recently saw Ishmael Beah, author of “A Long Way Gone,” speak at Ball State. His talk was full of amazing stories about being a child soldier in Sierra Leon and how the human spirit is able to overcome the world’s worst evils. His book became a bestseller and some of the facts in his book have been called into question. During the Q&A one of the students asked him about some of the controversy dug up by an Australian reporter.

His answer was two-fold:

1) While he was being chased and shot at and while death and violence were all around him, he didn’t stop to take notes: “How many soldiers are shooting at me? Let me stop and count so, when I write about this in my future bestseller, I’ll know the exact number.” He said that anything he didn’t remember well he left out.

2) The publisher fact-checked his book.

He lost me at #2. A copy-edit is not a fact check and I doubt that his publisher went to the great expense of fact-checking events that happened a decade before in Africa. I have no reason to doubt Ishmael and his story, but this argument is weak. Why not stop at #1 and be done with it. If anything, point #2 didn’t smell right.

Even if some of Beah’s facts are a bit loose (I’m not saying they are), the greatest value in his story is how he felt when the events were happening and how he feels now that he reflects upon them. But that’s the thing about the truth, messing with it can undercut a good story. Ask James Frey author of “A Million Little Pieces.”

The truth might seem as insignificant as the number of condoms in a box, but nonfiction authors must be its slave.

In my office looking over my notes, I often wished I had asked a certain question during an interview while in Cambodia, remembered a certain quote from a worker in Bangladesh, or lived a set of things in a different order. That was my challenge.

The truth is the truth and it filled my notebooks. If it wasn’t in my notebooks, I didn’t have the luxury of calling up a worker in Cambodia to have them elaborate.

I did my darndest to crosscheck my facts in Where Am I Wearing? I would’ve liked to support them with an appendix full of sources cited, but I would have had to pay for that. That’s right. My contract was setup so that I would have to pay for any additional back matter. In fact, four months before my book’s release I got an email from my publisher stating that I needed to have an index done at my cost (against my royalties). The cost would be around $3 or $4 per page – approximately $1,000.

I talked them out of that.

So instead of a costly appendix, I have a Word file in which every fact and quote is followed by the source. If my book became a bestseller like Beah’s or Sarah Palin’s and came under the accompanying scrutiny, my sources are at my fingertips.

Until then, I can only dream about the day the AP starts fact-checking my writing.

One Comment
Share This
Nov
13

Clue #2: International Ambassador of Baseball

By Kelsey

Know what country I’m talking about? Guess Now!

Add a Comment
Share This
Loading Quotes...
©2009–2011 Kelsey Timmerman
All Rights Reserved.
Contact Kelsey hi@kelseytimmerman.com

Bookmark the RSS feed
Sign Up for email updates