Radioactive Balls (yes, those kind of balls)

Hey baby, I'm radioactive-free Down There. My place or yours?

Do you carry your cell phone in your pocket? Do you Facebook with your laptop on your lap?

If you answered “Yeppers” to these questions, you could be suffering from radioactive balls. Radioactive balls can lead to impotence, infertility, and the the production of offspring with genetic mutations that give them superpowers for which society simultaneously loves and shuns them.

And it’s never easy being the parents of a superhero.

Batman’s parents = Dead
Superman’s biological parents = Dead
Superman’s earth parents = targets of evil geniuses
Spider-Man’s parents = Never heard from
Spider-Man’s Uncle = Shot

If impotence, infertility, and superhero parenting aren’t your thing, I’ve got just the pair of underwear for you. These special boxers are made with silver threads and deflect 99% of the radiation emitted by cell phones and laptops.

Introducing (drum roll)…..

SAFETY SHORTS!!!

Wait, they protect your balls from radiation and the best name they could come up with was Safety Shorts? One of the things I love most about my beat as an underwear journalist are the names of the underwear (i.e. Gas Eaters, OneDerWear). The name Safety Shorts seem like they should protect you from a nail gun not radiation.

I suggest a rename. How about…

Protect Your Balls from Radiation Boxers
Atomic Boxers
Enola Gay Underwear
No Glowing Balls Boxers
Anti-Godzilla Underwear
Silent But Not Deadly Boxers
Because Your Balls Shouldn’t Register on a Geiger Counter Boxers
There’s Nothing Hotter Than NOT Having a Radioactive Crotch Underwear
Well I’m not uptight, I’m not unattracted, Turn me on tonight because I’m radioactive (but my balls aren’t) Boxers

Okay, so some of these are more slogans than names, but I think you get my point.

Actually, I’m quite disappointed with the list of names. Can you do better?

What would you name a pair of boxers that protect a dude’s crotch from harmful radiation?

Here’s a little music to get your wheels turning.