Wanna see my menu?

There’s a rumor that this place has Mexican food. And I’m Jonesan for a juicy burrito – hold the rice please.

I enter and approach the hostess. I motion by opening my hands like a book and presenting it to her. “Menu please?”

She looks a little puzzled. I once again present her with my imaginary menu. She smiles uncomfortably and motions me to follow her.

She doesn’t give me a menu, but she does show me to the toilet.

What about my hand gesture signified my needing to use the restroom, I will never know.

I don’t speak Chinese. They don’t speak English. Either I suck at hand gestures or they suck at reading them. Probably a little of both.

By the way they didn’t have Mexican. The search continues.

Study shows Chinese spitting leading to sea-level rise

Who conducted the study?

Me

What authority do I have?

My brother has his PhD and my cousin is working at NASA

The very technical results that you probably won’t be able to understand, you dimwit:

Geeze, they sure do spit a lot.

I like to think of myself as an open-minded, culturally sensitive fella who doesn’t lump 1.3 Billion people under the pronoun “they.” But today, this happened:

My hotel room in Yichang is on the 15th floor and I heard a voice that sounded like it was standing just outside my window. This puzzled me. I went to the window – nobody. I looked below me – nobody. I finally pin-pointed the voice to be directly above me. My curiosity satisfied, I pulled my head in fractions of a second before a big ol’ loogey zoomed by. He was aiming for me. I didn’t dare chance a menacing look up at the spitter for fear he had another locked and loaded. I did the next best thing. I stuck out my arm as far as I could and gave him the finger.

I’m not saying all the people in China are spitters, but on average I see about 63 spitting incidents/day, most of which aren’t of malicious intent. Today, I even saw someone spit onto carpet. Is it the polluted air? A fascination with Baseball (but there’s much less crotch adjusting)? Who knows?

According to my research half of Chinese people aren’t spitters, but those who are do so multiple times/day. Building upon this study, here are the numbers:

Number of spitters: .65 billion
Volume of spit: 3 grams
Avg. # of spits/day per person: 10

30 grams X .65 billion = 19.5 billion grams = 19,500 tonnes of spit/day. That’s a “spit load” of spit. And to think Al Gore didn’t even mention this in his movie.

Note: My math is a little fuzzy and I actually do have better things to do than figure out the specific weight of spit to convert this number into a volume. All you scientists out there take this idea and run with it. I smell world changing research in your future. Or maybe that’s just the pollution.

Shoe Quote of the Day

From a Deckers Outdoor executive that was kind enough to meet with me today:

“Nike produces 20 million pairs of shoes/month, Reebok 10 million. I wanna know who’s wearing all of those shoes?”

We had a nice talk about my sandals. I’ll share more later.

And today’s proof that I’m no journalist: I did not ask him if it was possible to step on a pop-top and blow out a flip-flop.

I have a voice for radio?

I took this quiz. It said I didn’t have an accent. Why is it then that everybody thinks I’m from Kentucky? (via WorldHum)

Adoption Island

Anyone that’s every adopted a kid from China has been to Shamian Island in Guangzhou.

I’ve seen many different types of tourism, but nothing every like this…

Shops advertise, “Free Stroller for All Customers.” Baby clothes hang in windows. Portraits of newly formed families are sketched into stone, matted and framed, and painted. Restaurants and shops have as down-home American names as possible: Lucy’s Diner, Bill’s Markets, Suzy’s Portraits. They serve applie pie. The White Swan hotel has a play room for babies.

It’s Sunday. People don’t get their kids until Monday or Tuesday so there are many anxious couples pacing about the quiet streets of the island. The process takes a week or two. Once the parent’s get their child they have to start the paperwork with the US Consulate. This can take awhile.

The Consulate used to be on the island but has since moved a 40-minute taxi ride away. I ask a shop girl across from the hotel if this has been bad for business.

“80% of our customers are Americans adopting kids…Business has slowed a little since the consulate moved. But I don’t think that has much to do with it. People like it here. The adoption agencies have been using this place for a long time. It’s safe and quiet on the island. I think less Americans are adopting because the process takes longer. It used to take less than a year from start to finish. Now, it takes around two.”

With regards to worlds meeting, Shamian Island is one of the most interesting places I’ve been. It’s where the Haves (it isn’t cheap to adopt a kid in China) come to adopt the children of the Have Nots. It’s an extreme form of producer meeting consumer.

Today you will meet your daughter, who you will give a bright future, hope, a bedroom, teddy bears, an education, a car when she turns 16, everything in this world that you can offer.

Today you will meet your parents. They look funny with their big noses and light skin, but you will learn to love them. You’ll give them parent teacher conferences and recitals to attend, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards, grandchildren. And when they are old you will take care of them.

Lives change forever on Shamian Island.

A little Chinese girl walks beside her new mom. Mom holds out her hand to her new daughter. The daughter ignores it. They are almost strangers to each other.

Lives change slowly on Adoption Island.

We’re all Action Figures

You know that stuff at the counter that you purchase on a whim? Well, China has shopping malls full of that crap.

The one I’m in has eight floors of it to be exact.

There are key chains, mini-flashlights, stickers, stamps, pens, pins, and mini-play pins, laser lights, bouncy balls, and sticky wall crawlers. This place is paradise for a seven year old.

But just when I thought it was all junk, a store with a life size Venus de Milo. Who cares if it’s made of plastic?

And proof that this place just might have for sale everything that has ever existed – A Wally Szczerbiak plastic figurine in a Boston Celtics uniform. I was at Miami University with Wally. He’s now in the NBA and when he’s not hurt he averages 15 points/game. He’s an average player on a bad team, not exactly the type of player I would choose to mold from plastic.

If Wally has been molded into plastic in China, anyone could have been molded into plastic in China. Maybe even you. Maybe Me.

If I stumble upon your figurine, I’ll buy it for you. And you can be sure, if I find mine, I’m buying the store out of them.

I wonder what my action figure would be doing. What would it be wearing? How about yours?

Picture Guangzhou

Shoes! Shoes! SHOESSSS!!!

If this is an American company, they should fire the person that coined the name.

This 2000-year-old street brought to you by Coca-Cola.

Layers of Culture

The bottom layer, 15-feet below, is there, but you can’t see it. The Southern Yue kingdom placed loose rock to make a street here 2200 years ago.

Working our way up, the Tang dynasty built-up the road with large cut stones 1400 years ago.

At street-level, present day Guangzhou-nites zip by with their shopping bags from Adiddas and Gioradano. Some of them pause long enough to look through the Plexiglas windows, sponsored by Coca-Cola, and consider the exposed ancient street.

I watch over it all. I’m sitting at the window on the second-floor McDonald’s, relishing my first hamburger in over two months. The fries are pretty nice too. The Coca-Cola isn’t bad either.

I think I’ll get an ice cream cone.

MAN LOTION

Found in my hotel rooms medicine cabinet for only $1.50…

MAN LOTION

(Verbatim from the shiny packaging. Oh, and if you are in my aunt’s elementary class, STOP READING. Go draw a hippo.)

“It are according to the different characteristics, cent of the man wash and lady wash.Do you return the iso-WHAT? Take a shower on everyday or the sexual intercourse is in front and back, use it wash the private parts and is the hygiene’s the best choice of your health, at romantic tender feeling of personal status of time make you have peace of mide to have no to worry.”

This is definitely one of the more interesting, and by interesting I mean creepy, places I’ve ever stayed. But that view sure is nice.

Wakeup China!

If you lived in Guangzhou, how would you start your day? The choices:

Running backwards in white, see-thru shorts that allow the early morning revelers to see that your black underwear are riding up.

Tai Chi in your pajamas.

Ballroom dancing on the river walk. Who needs a ballroom? Who needs music?

Body thumping – pounding your fists up and down your body. Good morning chest. Good morning bicep. Good morning butt cheeks.

Wiggling. You’re old. You don’t want to move much, but you want to put on a show as if you are active and will live longer than 3 weeks.

Group singing. You are good enough that a strange foreigner pulls out a microphone and records you. You don’t care about him. You don’t care about much of anything because all of this singing is just so darned pleasant.

Solo tennis. Tether a ball to a weighted bag and swing away.

Fishing, swimming, playing cards, etc.

Obviously, my activity of choice is people watching - very enjoyable (except for Mr. Runs Backwards).