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Happy birthday to my wife!

Ain’t she gorgeous?

Annie

And what better time would there to be to share this reading that Annie and I wrote, which was read by a friend during the wedding? None. Here you go…

10 years ago…

Bill Clinton is starting his second term.

In Roslin, Scotland, scientists announce they cloned a sheep. Her name is Dolly.

Chicago Bulls win their 5th championship. Michael Jordan is still awesome.

There is no Google.

The world is introduced to an 11-year-old magician in training named Harry Potter.

Titanic rocks the box office.

I walk Annie across the “Old Gym” floor during lunch to ask Kelsey if he’s going to the homecoming dance. I still take credit for hooking them up.
Annie tells Kelsey to pick her up at her house to go to the…

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Guerrillas fighting for bananas

Happy bananasWhere’s your banana from?

If it’s from Colombia it might have a bit of blood on it.

From CNN.com:

Banana producer Chiquita will pay a $25 million fine and serve five years’ probation for once paying millions of dollars to groups in Colombia considered by the U.S. to be terrorist organizations, a Department of Justice spokesman said Tuesday.

Colombia ain’t Ohio. If you are going to do business there, you are going to have to get your hands dirty. I’m not for hiring soldiers of fortune, unless they are these soldiers of fortune, but to me it seems as if our government isn’t entirely above the practice either.

I like bananas in my smoothie, on my cereal, split and topped with ice cream,…

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MADE IN AMERICA

“ACO Welcomes Kelsey and Annie Timmerman”

The sign is weird. It’s the first time we’ve seen Annie’s new name.

We’re greeted by a reporter from the local newspaper. Lorraine is excited that we came all the way to Perry, New York, to see where my shorts were made. She doesn’t act like this is a weird thing to be doing at all. She thinks it’s neat. I like Lorraine.

Lorraine describes Perry as such: “I always tell people that the south side of town smells like cookies and the north like manure.”

The cookie smell comes from the Archway factory and the manure smell comes from the surrounding dairy farms. Archway cookies remind me of visiting my grandma Timmerman. I’m not sure if the woman ever…

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A legalese lesson in pluralization

“Unless the context otherwise indicates, words importing the singular number shall include the plural number and words importing the singular number shall include the singular number.”

I read this today while reviewing a contract at my 3-day a week Day Job. After which I poked out my eye with a knife. And of course, in this case the singular use of “eye” means both eyes and the singular use of “knife” means one knife.

Like other things, too much legalese will make you go blind….

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I’m in Canada, don’t tell anybody

I’ve always liked not having been to Canada. It gave me a comeback to people who refer to me as a world traveler and say things like, “Where haven’t you been?”

“Well, I’ve never been to Canada.” I’d say.

Everybody knows that you ain’t no world traveler unless you’ve been to Canada. The response would shut them up pretty fast. But here I am in Niagara Falls, Canada. Crap.

Annie and I haven’t been more than from miles from the US border so really that shouldn’t count as having been to a country, especially a country the size of Canada. Maybe, if we were 5 miles into Luxembourg, it would be a different story.

So, officially I’ve still never been to Canada. Unofficially, I have been….

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Writing advice from Dave Barry

“Do things, not think things.”

Visit the humor writers website for more Dave on writing.

In the interest of full disclosure, Dave and I are pals. Okay, maybe not pals, but I did wait in line to meet him at the Erma Bombeck Conference in Dayton. See…

Me and Dave

Registration is now open for the conference in April of 2008. Last year it sold out in 12 days. If you are interested in going, better sign up now….

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Mr. Annie Timmerman

Today, Annie and I were exploring Put-in-Bay on our Honeymoon/continuation of the Where am I Wearing? quest and I experienced a perfect storm of this-is-weird-moments:

I was driving down the street in a road-licensed golf cart on an island in Ohio passed a sweet smelling Ohio vineyard on the way to see a ship turned into a house on a cliffside with my WIFE.

We did it. I’m officially Mr. Annie Timmerman.

This sounds cheesy, but the wedding was perfect. We got married outside at my parents’ house in front of 300 family and friends. The weather held out just long enough for the wedding. Annie looked beautiful (I wish I had some pictures to post but I don’t, so you’ll have to take my word for it.)

Other…

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One Wedding, One Honeymoon, One pair of shorts

Saturday Annie and I tie the knot in my parents’ backyard in front of 300 family and friends.

On Sunday the quest/honeymoon continues. It’s kind of like the two threads of my life will be pulled together. There’s the travel-around-the-globe-chasing-my-clothes thread and there’s the Annie-girlfriend-fiance-wife thread.

First we’re heading to Put-in-Bay, the Key West of the North, and then we’re off to Perry, New York, home of the Grand Canyon of the East. (You always have to question the legitimacy of a destination when the locals sell it as a more accessible, less touristy version of an actual destination.) And then were off to Niagara Falls, which I like to refer to as the Victoria Falls of North America.

Perry is where my all-time favorite item of…

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