The sweet stink of memories

This morning the smell of dew and skunk triggered the memory of a stinky encounter I had one morning jogging before high school.

I recounted the experience in a column that has run in Endurance Magazine and the Dayton City Paper. Here it is…

Skunks Stink
An early morning trail run gone wrong

By Kelsey Timmerman

I didn’t have a chance. Evolution was against me as I faced one of nature’s most terrifying animals.

Tens of millions of years had sharpened its glistening teeth and long claws into serrated flesh-tearers, but it’s not a frontal attack that inspires the terror. Nature perfectly placed two glands around the anus capable of packing a punch that would be far more remembered than any bite or scratch. A racer stripe of white runs down the animal’s coat of jet black fur, nature’s yield sign to any interested predators.

I was face to face with a skunk.

It was years ago on an early morning trail run before high school that I encountered skunkus stinkus. I caught a brief glimpse of black and white in the weeds alongside the trail. My heart jumped to my throat and I let out a shriek of surprise. I swear the skunk screamed too.

Nature had not only prepared the skunk for this moment, but also man. In defense, I went into a standing fetal position first perfected by an unlucky caveman about to be chomped on by a T-Rex. Cowering a fraction too long, I gave the surprised creature ample time to turn and aim its horrible little butt glands.

I kept running, thinking to myself, I wonder if that skunk sprayed me. I reached the end of the trail and still no smell. Turning into my driveway, Still no smell, but I wonder why Sammy (my dog) is not coming near me. I walked into the house, up the stairs to where my mom was getting ready for work, “Do I smell like skunk?”

She covered her face and muffled, “OH MY GOD,” fighting not to gag.

In cartoons, odors are often depicted as clouds in the shape of a finger beckoning characters to fresh apple pie. This was kind of like that, but far less pleasing. I sensed a presence coming up the stairs and I turned to face it. It was then that the odor balled up a fistful of stank and decked me across the face.

Mom quickly shooed me out of the house, and proceeded to call everyone we knew. That’s the thing about extreme skunk stink, once the nausea stops the laughing begins.

I arrived to school late with dried tomato juice in my ear. It was the only day I attended high school wearing cologne.

Rendezvous with Pepe

Skunks are nocturnal animals, putting early morning and evening joggers at the highest risk of smelly encounters.

If you encounter a skunk, don’t panic, be cool. In a calm fashion run away from the furry little devil as fast as you can. When you think you are beyond a skunk’s firing range, run some more, some skunks can shoot their malicious mix up to 15 feet.

If you receive a direct spray, people literally will be able to smell you a mile away. This will hinder your social life. Soon you will experience “olfactory fatigue” a phenomena where you can no longer smell the skunk spray. Whatever you do, do not bathe in tomato juice. This is an old wives’ tale. By doing so, you will accomplish nothing: You will smell like tomatoes to yourself, you will smell like skunk and tomatoes to others, and worse yet, you will look like an idiot walking around with dried tomato juice in your ears.

Trust me. I know.

To rid yourself of Pepe’s perfume, mix and bathe with:

– 1 Quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide
– ¼ of baking soda
– 1 teaspoon of liquid soap

It’s important to remember that skunks aren’t all bad. Some people raise them as pets, put necklaces on them, pose them next to American flags, and put them in skunk shows (I’m not kidding! Check out www.skunks.org). One researcher from the University of New Mexico believes so strongly that skunks are given a bad rap that he formed “The Dragoo Institue for the Betterment of Skunks and Skunk Reputation.”

Whether you are a member of Dr. Dragoo’s skunk pep squad, an owner of a pet skunk, or an innocent runner coming face to face with the critter, there’s no doubt about it…skunks stink.