The guilt of nothing

Ever have one of those days where you out-lazy the family pet? I had one Saturday.

Annie was Christmas shopping with her family for the day and it was just me and Oreo.

OREO: “Are you just going to sit there all day?”

ME: “What have you done today Ms. Perrrductive.”

OREO: “I cleaned my belly. Took a nap. Ate. Stared at the ceiling for no apparent reason because I like to make you think I see ghosts. And stuck my butt in your face. All-in-all, I’ve been pretty busy. What have you done?”

ME: “I’ve lead the Fighting Illini in NCAA Basketball 2005 to a 10-0 record.”

OREO: “That’s pathetic. I saw what you did. You made a guy that could jump higher, run faster, and shoot better than any one player in the history of basketball. The worst part is that you named him after yourself in a sad attempt to live the basketball glory that was never your own.”

ME: “Ouch!”

OREO: “Have you done anything else?”

ME: “I watched four football games. Ate two waffles and one taco. Watched a dude paraglide over Mt. Everest on the Discovery Channel, brushed my teeth, and pushed you out of my face when you did that demeaning butt presentation thing that you do.”

OREO: “You’ve done nothing all day. Now, go get me some food. And while your at it how about some more water? Don’t forget the ice – crushed not cubed.”

It’s amazing how much can be done in a single day. I’ve had big days in which I swam with sharks and sea lions, climbed the mast of a pirate ship, stood on the peaks of mountains, and gotten married. Others have flown over Mt. Everest, founded nations, discovered continents, and orbited the earth, all in a single day.

But there is also a lot of nothing that can be done in a single day. Saturday I may have broken the record. By the days end I had a headache, bloodshot eyes, a rotten belly, a cobwebby head, and one cat with a major superiority complex.

I’m still trying to recover. Sometimes “nothing” can be a lot of work.