08/20
2007
I'm a "Righter"
Today I’m continuing to edit the first chapter. I know how to use “there” and “their” and “to” and “too,” but for some reason I still flub them up. Even worse yet, I’ll use “right” when I mean “write.”
Have a paragraph that I think is grammatically okay (a t-shirt to anyone that sees any misgrammaring going on):
The coloring factory was the sweatiest of all the shops. Huge worm-like furnaces with glowing red mouths sucked in long sheets of cloth. The heat helps to affix the dye to the cloth. It was stifling. We watched the teenage boys work through a mist of rising steam. They used wood sticks to help feed the cloth into the furnace.
Of course, in New Zealand we add a *u* to color, but that’s probably not the kind of help that’s going to help you write/right now!
I’ve also noticed heaps of people write
what happened to my comment? I was telling you about the masses who write (wrongly) “prolly” instead of “probably”.
Okay, not sure if this is misgrammaring or not:
“We watched the teenage boys work through a mist of rising steam.”
Somehow, to me, the placement of “through a mist of rising steam” makes it sound like the boys are “working through” a mist of steam. But if you are intending to convey that you are watching them through the mist of steam, it seems more clear if you say:
“Through a mist of rising steam, we watched the teenage boys work.”
Picky, I know…and maybe nobody else will read it the way I did…:D
Rachel, people actually write probably? And sorry, leaving the “u” out of “color” doesn’t count. Does anybody know how, when, and where American English started dropping extra vowels from words? Somebody should write a book on that.
Jessica, point taken. I can see your confusion. The truth is that the steam was everywhere – we stood in it, the boys worked through it. Still, I think the sentence might need some reworking. I’m getting new Where am I wearing? t-shirts in September/October. I’ll put you on the list for one. Well done.
like jessica, this may just be me acting grammatically picky BUT…
2. i think the first two sentences might flow better if they were connected by a semi-colon. for example:
The coloring factory was the sweatiest of all the shops; huge worm-like furnaces with glowing red mouths sucked in long sheets of cloth.
or you could join them with “because” due to the fact that it is a cause and effect relationship. the factory was sweaty because huge worm-like furnaces…
2. the third sentence has a present tense verb – helps – while all the other verbs are past tense – was, sucked, watched, used. the paragraph might flow better if all of the verbs were the same tense. you could say: the heat affixed the dye to the cloth as it passed through the furnace.
hope that helps!
kelly
Man you guys are picky. Great work!
I pasted the paragraph not expecting to actually get any suggestions on so few words.
Kelly, you bring up an interesting point with the tenses. I’m actually starting to think myself stupid on tense. The passage is in the past, but heat IS used to affix color to cloth. It is always used, not “was used.” Kinda like Mt. Everest is the largest mountain. My thinking could all be screwed up here, but I’m pretty sure I handled the tense right in this passage.
Way to go Kelly! Let’s be grammar nerds together!!!:D (It’s fun to bump into your real life friend on someone else’s blog.)
I understand that heat IS used to affix color to the cloth, but somehow it still sounds a bit awkward…maybe you could rework it with the following sentence. Like, “The heat was stifling, but necessary in the process of affixing the dye to the cloth.” Okay, not exactly like that…just quick, not well-thought out example.
Alright, I’ll stop now. I love editing. But this is your story, and I’m excited about getting to read it!!! Thanks for sharing bits of it with us, and hope that our pickiness hasn’t scared you out of sharing any more!!
And, I’m really excited about this “Where Am I Wearing” t-shirt. Do you ship to China? 😉
Any news on the new t-shirts yet? 😀 Just curious…
I’m waiting on the cartoonist to get the drawing to me. I’ll let you know when they are done. I have no plans to sell the shirt, but I’m sure you can win one in a contest.